What do you say about the reverse? I mean, I can see why an older man would want to date a younger woman - physically that is, but why would a year-old woman want to date a man 45 or more? I can totally understand why older men go for younger women. Time creates wisdom - but it also creates responsibilities and complications - mortgage, kids, career, etc. All of this makes dating more and more complex as we get older. Still, most of them fail miserably, for the exact same reasons that I think Penelope is suggesting. Men want much younger women, but rarely do much younger women want older men.
But the majority will not be able to keep up. It is rather common to hear men complain about their women not giving it up enough. And most times she cannot even last as long as I want too. Ray you are the male unicorn right? You would be amazed how many men your age say the same thing! Another 2 years? Just eat well and work out? All of the older men did that that I dated and it made zero difference. Seriously if I had a dime for every man in their 50s that said what you did I would be a rich lady!
I mean it most only be men in their 80s and 90s who need viagra? I have sex 3 times a day, 3 days a week. Almost always twice with my wife and once by myself. I have no issues with erections, and she seems to enjoy it. So quality of sex is not as important as quantity?
Every Man Dating A Woman In Her 30s Must Watch This (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
I mean, who the Hell has time to screw 2 or 3 times a day? If a man is doing it 3 times a day, he needs to get a life. As a 52 year old guy, I think your problems are much deeper than the number! I have a physique better than most 20 or 30 year old guys - - and have more stamina and tenderness in the bedroom than them, as well. Sounds like your guy has given up, which is a state of mind, not a matter of age. Yet another male unicorn!
Seriously ever dude over 50 looks 35 and is in great shape right? Or at least all of those commenting on here! And they all have the stamina of 30 year olds.
Quick to shoot down what these men say. These men exist. Maybe the problem is the outlet and not the plug. Reading the comments of men in my opinion demonstrates the exact point I am trying to make. She also experiences physical changes that may make it difficult to have sex or require a change in how she does. On the flip side is the male response to this age related decline I call it the 3ds defen denydeflect.
How dare you accuse me of slowing down in bed. These is usually followed by a personal jab or name calling. Because men think all other men their age are stallions in bed.
Men lie to each other about using the little blue pill and rarely if at all do men discuss this issue with each other. What results is that men struggling with age related changes reach the conclusion that they are all along and something is clearly wrong with them. Or the women blame themselves thinking the decreases drive or ED is their fault. Everybody will agree with you that both men and women have declined sex drives as they age.
One thing that has stayed the same is my desire to have sex is just as strong as it was when I was younger. So the point is yes as we get older we will slow down but that does not mean that we cannot get better as we get older.
If all else fails then there is always a prescription to be had that can help in most cases. If sex is the only factor you are considering then you are probably right.
It seems you put a lot of weight on looks, physical shape, and sexual performance for a happy marriage. I was married 24 years to my younger wife before cancer took her several years ago.
It was never an issue. Women can have all the sex they want to have without the need to get married. If you build your marriage on sex it is likely going to fail at some point regardless of any age gap. We are all going to experience health issues at some point, nobody is exempt from it. Some of us maybe sooner than we would like, in my case my younger wives health declined.
LOL john such a typical response from a man having problems in the bedroom. Telling it like it is is not mean spirited. I think YOUR husband might be the problem. My uncles and aunts, from both paternal and maternal side, on an average have an age gap of 10 years between them.
My grandparents had 14 years between them. In short, it depends on the people involved in the relationship. This really helped me. I love my guy so much and he is so good to me. Right now I cannot imagine falling out of love with him and the thought of it brings me to tears. I am 31 and he is He still works out and is in great shape and I constantly worry about our future and taking the next step.
But the incompatibility in a few years is something I may not be prepared for. Now the thought of that is not attractive. I know we should call the quits now to save the heartache and time but I am terrified because he is the only man that has ever conquered me. But maybe because he is older. And we been together since, and yes we still love each other.
I was 19 and he was 32 when we began to date. I am in that situation now and trying to determine whether it makes sense to continue or whether I should just break it off. Good luck with your decision. And be like. Sigh fine. Or see yah and yeah that was great, I experienced that by myself!!! Wait Then why did. Then ill be widow at an older age and die with out that grow old togther cause he already died quite a bit before I was close to aging in.
I was a cna geriatrics and am concerned of our future to where he married his future caretaker and ill be left screwed with angry underpaid. And withoutmy loving husband a hand to squeeze. I know thats all. I could grow. I looove him. With what I said do i? Or am. I just depressed? Perhaps crazy Or honest.
We alll die. But freaking crap I didnt want at allll to die that much earlier than my husband. Grow old together, not watch you grow hecka old slowly die while I slowly watch and grow a hurt back to now deal with alone and poor due to medication s and medical bills and funeral. I wanted to be.
Ive seen sooo many mourn the death of spousesand. I think being in the medical field had really really jaded me and I hope distorted my view. And this all crazy talk but. Not to mention honestly are you as fast as you were when you were 20s as in 60?
Orrrrr 70s vers 30? Noooo the gap and body progression is real and when you hit 42 you age 6 months quicker every x amount. I was a cna geriatrics and am concerned of our future to where he married his future caretaker and ill be left screwed. You already had your 20s why take another s cause when you 70 and theyre 55 thats a huge difference in those years especially.
He could have found. Now im. With watching him. The pain is soooo real. And ask allllll the time why. And I ask why 15 years. Didnt spell. I love my husband and he adores me. Not wanting to travel or go to functions is a problem in personality differences than age. You two may have been a bad fit but I think the age difference may have been a red herring here.
Enjoying life is can occur are any age. A good indicator might be to meet the parents. Genetics plays a big role and the lifestyle they live. The advice I would give women dating older men is to make sure they stay fit, that makes a very big difference. Watch out for these red flags instead, his diet, is he fit, his parents looks is a great indicator, does he exercise, how much does he care about his looks and that applies to any age you date.
She wants to be treated like a child. She wants to be immature. I can take care of myself financially for now and if we stay together longer I imagine us having a similar dynamic as any younger couple where we work together not just me living off of him. Awesome words you write. We have been dating for 7 weeks. I separated 20 months ago from my wife of 23 years. I never imagined being with a woman 17 years my junior. Not that it was out of the question, it just never entered my mind that I would be with a woman much younger than myself.
We enjoy each other very much. Moreso me than her at the moment I Love her and want to spend what time I have left in this life soley with her. We have Many things in common, one of which, would be Very difficult to replicate. I have asked her if she has seen anyone else since we met and she told me no. That is reassuring, but I am very paranoid that she may toss me to the curb for another, possibly, younger guy. This inspires me. I met him when I was 21 and he was So reading through most of the replies kind of makes me sad of course.
We have so much in common and we have so much fun together. But I love the life I share with him. Reading through the comments makes me sad again when I think about surein 20 years I will be 43 and he will be Good luck to you and your man. If both of you are clear about the most likely temporary nature of your relationship more power to you. Most relationships with a large age gap, whether the man or woman is older, tend not to last. Eventually that age difference starts to matter.
No one is immune to time. We get slower and less healthy. Things may be all fun and laughs now but when you turn 33 and start to think about the fact that he is 60 you may feel very differently about the relationship. At that point you may decide an attractive and vibrant 40 year old better suits your lifestyle, but your current man may not want to let you go.
Thank you very much. Thanks again. My relationship with kind of been bumy. This comment really bothers me. As if men can only agree or see relevance when their age group or kind is the exact type of men referenced.
They are willing to throw away long loving relationships with women for a night of lust.
Men this age will chest and justify it like no other age group. Risking family life and hurting his partner.
You have to beg these men to get std test because they act as if their fragile little ego is so offended by something they should do anyway. They have never dealt with adversity. The slightest hardship will result in a nervous breakdown and the woman will be stuck babying them back to their male privilege health.
They are fake cultured. They travel the globe and take Snapchat but know nothing of the culture or people that they visit other than to sound pseudo cultured. They think experimenting with drugs is a romantic activity.
No matter what socioeconomic class. Older men are men. They are decisive. They know how to open doors, let a woman relax, be sensitive when needed and string where it counts. Millennial men are ridiculous and also now highly feminized. I will pass! Material issues. Faster, easier, sex. I think you have a great point.
But I have to add older men are better in bed too. I was 23 and my ex was 36and yes he robbed the cruddle. He wanted to mold me to what he wantedthe only trouble there is, I did grow up. As for daddy issues. My dad was never around at my young age. I seriously had more fun with my ex. And the young shall grow. Write back when he is That made me roll my eyes a bit. Honestly, why go out with a much older man if you still have to work hard to please him! Surely the pay off of going out with a much older man is that he is working very hard to please you!!
So a 13 year age gap is a daddy issue? He was still in your age range! Alot of men dont even have wives or kids yet at that age or are just settling down He cant even be your daddy cause hes 12 or 13 yrs older than you. On another note most ppl over 45 shouldnt show much of an age difference so make that over Your spouse is still a young adult now so no need to worry about that now.
Youre both adults I think its a a little immature for a man over 28 to date a girl under 24 but its nothing that bad hes barely over 35 I know alot of immature guys in their late 20s and 30s that only date and hang around ppl in thier early 20s. On the latter one of older seeking younger ad 6. And whose doing is that? And yes you can appreciate your dad. Even if it starts out that way, the youngin will grow and realize the folly of youth.
Better make sure she has no financial assets to take care of herself. If you are very rich, she will still leave you and collect alimony. People can find others their own age to appreciate.
Unless you are a movie star or famous person, keep dreaming. Appreciation is not a reason to get married. We both care for each other,and we never talk about our age we just live life one day at a time. Does she have the opportunity to become everything she possibly can be in life while in a relationship with you?
I am 31 and my guy is 48, I am a nurse and he is a CEO of a company. When we first met I never asked how much he made or cared. I felt drawn to him and he was so funny and fun.
The first night we met I ended up taking care of him because he had got really sick. He was really embarrassed, the following weekend we met up at a 4 day concert event where our love story began.
I usually get along better with people that are older due to my views and values in life. He is better in bed than ANY guy I have ever been with and he loves so passionately.
He is kind, sensitive, smart, caring, and fun! I appreciate this man and love him with all of my heart. I simply feel a deep connection to him and I know he feels the same way. We connect on an emotional level, a physical level, and a mental level. In life that is almost near impossible to find and there are people out there who never get to experience that with someone else.
I was lucky enough to find that someone for me. How well two people work together and understand one another. How that person brings out the best in you and wants the best for you. I could have a guy from many age groups. I go by what is right for me and for my guy. We have ups and downs like anyone else. That is normal. We grow and learn along the way. Life is so short and we are not promised tomorrow.
Others may and have that right to their own opinions. Thanks for the interesting read. What about when he ends up in a nursing home, are you going to be his carer? Now we are both retired and we are closer than ever. My own dad was affectionate with his 3 daughters but it was clear that my mom was his girl.
That is what I got. My ex left me for a 22 year md singer and dancer.
He was I was shocked that he he married her. She had nothing to give him. She took my home belongings, had an Invitro baby. I never had closure. May she have the dump of her life. Why are you mad at her and not him?
The excellent 34 year old woman dating a 20 year old man apologise, but
The sense of entitlement this woman displayed was truly unbelievable. But noooo. The Other Woman to whom he could have lied to get her into bed is at fault. Ladies, sure get mad at the woman, too. The other woman is irrelevant to your anger. If this simple logic is not something you gals can get your arms around, no wonder there is so much dysfunction once a woman gets into a relationship. Karmic: WOW is right. When did I ever say otherwise? Frankly, I blame both of them for their actions.
Two people made a choice to betray their spouses and destroy two families. Now both have paid the price for that choice. She is now a single mother with no support and he wants to come home to me but that door is permanently closed. Those are some pretty snide assumptions you are making there, especially considering that I never said anything you could base those on in my comment. She knew me and our young children. Our kids played together for crying out loud.
She is a Narcissistic Gold Digger so, no, she was not some innocent victim that my husband lied to. I like your posts. Most women on this board vilify uncommitted men commitment phobes, man-children, narcissists, etc. The anger seems so disproportionate to the offender. So you took it upon yourself to inform us of how very deluded we all are without any background information. I could pluck all kinds of things out of the ether and sound off on you for neglecting to mention them.
Now see how silly that sounds? Ditto for the rest of us. If you actually care how we feel about something just ask before you criticize, unless criticizing is really all you wanted to do in the first place. Please show me where I said that all men must commit to a woman. Forgive me for not expounding upon the topic to your satisfaction.
Only to vilify the other woman, when the MAN - who was in the relationship with you - should be one vilified. All three of you only mentioned all the details after I challenged what was written. Oh, I vilified him in spades. Was I under some obligation to tell you every tiny detail right off the bat? Do you get to dictate what we share publicly and when? I took out the majority though admitted not all of my anger on HIM. There is no emotional investment in the woman. She is not someone the wife has a deep attachment to, therefore, it is easier to forgive the guy and blame the outside enemy.
Not condoning it, just considering why it might happen. You felt the relevant details was to name call the woman. I would have commented differently had you and Stephan and Sharon wrote with as much anger towards the man as towards the woman. Duh we can drop this now, right? Have fun. Mine left me for a younger woman as well, after putting us all through total hell for two decades with his drug addiction.
That puts a whole different spin on things. A man in his 40s or 50s is likely either married or divorced. Dude goes through a mid life crisis, leaves wife and kids for a younger POA who makes him feel all youthful again. Too late sucker. No take backs! He stuck with her anyway for a while to avoid being alone but he did eventually dump her. I have to admit that it makes me quite happy to see that SHE is now a single mother too because she left her husband to steal mine.
Karma is a beautiful thing! Walk a mile Derek, then come back and lecture me on my morality. My husband left me after 20 years of marriage to be with a 22 year oldHe is 57 years old.
The longest, best romantic relationship I ever had was with a much older guy. All that said, we were very much in love and it felt like we were equals. I know that people looked at us and thought things - esp.
Necessary try 34 year old woman dating a 20 year old man interesting idea.. doubt
Well, not rank. And, it turns out, in our lives. But we never talked about that stuff - we were just into each other and our work together. But it also feels like peace and happiness. I do know many successful May-December couples. The woman is most often the younger, but not always. Gotta get off the internet. My eHarmony guy is gonna call in a few. Not as exciting as Award Man, but very funny, nice. Older guys: higher social value. I totally buy younger women going for older men.
See it all the time. They only plan on being together for 15 years, give or take. Basically a really long LTR or a planned mid-term marriage. This guy is just not going to work out and who knows what his problem is. But he's 34 and if he can't get it together at that age then I don't think you want to mess around with him. Not this fake sort of break-up you've been having, but for real.
Not because this dude is older than you. Because this dude is a jerk. It is perfectly okay to say to someone, honestly and kindly, "I like you, but I really want a sexual relationship, which you are not currently interested in, so I'm afraid this isn't going to work out for me.
And just because he stopped doing that for the time being doesn't mean it was okay for him to do it, repeatedly, in the first place, or that he won't do it again. I think the issue here is that this man is attracted to you, but really wants to have sex, NOW, and is not patient enough to wait for you to feel comfortable about it, or reasonable enough to have a respectful and rational, no-pressure conversation with you about it.
I think he feels just guilty enough about having those feelings, and having already pressured you over it, that he is now engaged in a weird kabuki dance about what he actually wants instead of telling you, or openly admitting to himself, what he actually wants which is a partner who will have sex with him, now. It's weird to demand a specific planned length for a relationship before it even starts. I think he started doing this in order to convince you and himself, too, probably that he's really for real committed enough to be worthy of you giving up your virginity and having sex with him.
It's weird to suddenly impose rules on a relationship like "we can have lunch dates but you can't come over to my house anymore. I agree with everybody here. And the weirdest thing by far is the 'term limits' on the relationships. No, that's not usually how people approach relationships; typically, they are more open-ended in the the expectation is just that they'll continue until they don't, get progressively more intimate unlike this one and I don't mean sexually intimateand timetables only enter in if one party is wanting to move forward faster than the other, and then they have to decide how long they are going to give the current relationship to develop.
You have many other options. The most important argument here, I think, is that no matter what's going on, this guy is not acting at all like a guy who's interested in you for you. I know it's exciting to be the pursued one and to feel like you are caught up in star-crossed, tortured romance, but actually, compared to being loved and respected by a peer, it's all kind of crap.
This guy knows better. He's trying to get out. You should give him his walking papers to make it easier on both of you.
You're 20! You should be having a great time dating people who are somewhere closer in life to where you are - wanting to get to know each other, enjoy spending time together, and making big life decisions at a pace that's appropriate and comfortable to you.
Yeah, that is weird. It reminded me of the movie Guinevere. There's this guy who dates a series of younger women for a couple of years apiece, and it's treated like he's a sort of postgraduate program they are going through. I think this is a good movie for people to watch if they find themselves dating mentor figures. It does put a positive spin on this type of relationship, presenting it as a formative experience, but it's rather eye-opening.
Try going no-contact for some set period of time perhaps three months and don't break it-set an expectation with him that, as a matter of respect toward you, he needs to honor the no-contact period. Give yourself and him! The whole "We're meeting at coffee shops but not anywhere that could lead to sex" plan is terrible, and I suspect he knows it. It will just keep the two of you in a space where the relationship is an enticing possibility, not a reality you're exploring and then choosing to continue or sever.
Neither his sexuality nor yours is a wild force that needs to be contained in public spaces lest it unleash itself-sex is something you choose to do together, and you could very easily choose to leave the coffee shop, go to his house, and have sex. Or, you could have a romantic dinner at his house and choose not to have sex. Take him at his word that he no longer wants to be in the relationship he's been trying to persuade you to commit to.
Ignore his flip-flopping about "no contact doesn't seem right, either. Block this guy's access to you online, phone, etc and RUN. He's not a nice fellow, and I'm having a very difficult time understanding how a percentage of mefites in this thread interpreted his actions as though he is nice and trustworthy. I dated with that age gap at your age. I'm older now. Yes the age gap can be OK, but in your case, this guy is manipulating you.
I think he maybe has a girlfriend, and either way he's playing games because you are still a virgin. Go cold turkey. He should have initiated this when he discovered you weren't up for having sex with him. At 34, he's planning on having a 4 to 5 year long relationship with you that includes sex. WTF is that? Is he telling you he is not the marrying kind, but a player instead? I think so. All of the break-ups, and then re-initiating contact? He's trying to wear you down so you'll sleep with him -OR- he's an immature drama queen.
Either way, it's beneath you, at any age. No, seriously. Block all access from this guy and move on with your life. He's no bueno. You deserve much much better. Since you asked I'm unclear if he thinks relationships have predictable expiration dates or if that's just the way things seem to work out for him. But if it's the first, I've actually known someone who thought that way. I think it was based on one of Ursula Le Guin's novels.
Couples entered relationship contracts that lasted for a set amount of time, instead of getting married as we earthlings do. It's less about the age gap then about this particular guy.
A 21 year old guy isn't likely to marry a 34 year old due to most guys that age not wanting to get married, and if they do, they're going to marry someone their own age or younger. If all you want is a relationship with no chance of marriage, you're probably okay if you communicate your wishes. So for a year-old, the upper age limit would be 34 (17 * 2). The rule states that it is acceptable for year old women to date men who are up to 46 years old, but in reality, year-old. Jan 07, † Everything You Need To Know About Dating A Year-Old Man As A Something Girl to call what has been 23 years of going through men, some for longer than others
I get a bad feeling about him. On the other hand, we learn by making mistakes. He seems to be the kind of mistake one could survive. Call him out on this stuff. Haven't you a choice and a responsibility in the matter too?
Why would you inevitably end up hating him? Not only bad, say I. That said, frequent mini-breakups are a bit of a reddish mini-flag nevertheless. I don't think this guy necessarily has to be the huge manipulator and a Bad Person, as some commenters suggest, but might just be really torn in the way he describes.
Because none of us is perfect, we don't always display full maturity at all times; so, despite realizing that he shouldn't be dating you for all the reasons he says, he's quite right in those and it looks like he has a realistic view of the situationhe's still attracted to you, and those continued meetings just fuel the fire.
So it's hard to let go of this possibility of a relationship, even if he knows that it's a really bad idea. I'm a 34 year old myself, and I tend to date women years younger than myself - in my experience, I'm had the best relationships from that age bracket.
Occasionally I may break the unofficial "rule" and go out with somebody 10 years younger when we really "click" but at the back of my mind, there's always this concern that maybe I'm taking advantage of her.
I tend not to vocalize these feelings because dating is complicated enough without creating drama by saying every silly thought that crosses one's mind, but it's there. So on the one hand, I want to reassure you that most of this guy's concerns and feelings are perfectly normal. On the other hand, the fact that he hasn't successfully resolved his inner conflict and continues to express it to you even though you have absolutely no ability to fix it it's not like you can snap your fingers and magically become older suggests that he's a drama llama.
I recommend telling him it's time to man up and decide what he wants, then stop agonizing about it. This just sounds like a complete mess. This: Before he preached about "strong feelings" and "love down the line" is crazy manipulative all by itself. At 34 years old, this guy has been alive long enough to know that frequent meet-ups at coffee shops and other "safe" locations "just fuel the fire," as Ender's Friend put it.
Whether the guy is playing with his own emotions, or playing with the OP's, this is not the trusting and honest relationship which leads to lifetime commitment the OP is looking for. This is a guy who thinks relationships top out at 4 to 5 years, max. The OP doesn't need to stick around to try and change someone who holds a stunted view on intimate relationships. And by the way OP, I think you are totally correct - after dating somone for two years, both parties have enough data to decide if the relationship will lead to marriage or not.
OP, if you are going to date someone 14 years older than you, date a Man. Don't date a Peter Pan-type with commitment issues. Being a player or an immature commitment-phobe with stunted views on intimate relationships does not make this guy a "Bad Person.
Is he a poor choice for mentor or friendship material? OP, the mini break-ups and chaste coffee shop lust isn't romantic because it is not leading anywhere solid.
Upon Preview, wolfdreams01 really nails what I'm trying to say: "On the other hand, the fact that he hasn't successfully resolved his inner conflict and continues to express it to you even though you have absolutely no ability to fix it it's not like you can snap your fingers and magically become older suggests that he's a drama llama.
I wonder if this is in part what's behind the meeting in public places requirement? That would make him an "MF" in my book if he was keeping secrets and playing with people's hearts.
However, I can back off on that point and still say that in all my years of experience, I've learned this: Relationships that feature obstacles and lots of mini break-ups never turn into what either person involved wants or needs. Thanks for all the quick replies. Sorry I may have painted him in the wrong light: he's never pushed me for sex.
In fact, the one time I suggested that to him he said we weren't ready to go there yet. He's been meticulously careful about building up to it, the issue is more that I don't like oral and he thinks I should experience that before actual sex. He's never made blunt advances, just made it clear that he wants to fuck me eventually. I genuinely don't think he has a girlfriend, albeit a serious one.
He hates cheating and honestly working hours a week I don't think one would have time for that. Going into the line of work he is in, I know personally maintaining one relationship is difficult enough, having two with that while working 80 hours a week is unreal.
Oct 03, † But think of it this way- the man is That's 14 years older than the 20 year old. A 14 year age difference is 70of her life. When he was her current age, she was barely starting kindergarten. If she was 30, and he was it would be different. But 2 years . Dec 08, † I'm a 34 year old myself, and I tend to date women years younger than myself - in my experience, I'm had the best relationships from that age bracket. Occasionally I may break the unofficial "rule" and go out with somebody 10 years younger (when we really "click") but at the back of my mind, there's always this concern that maybe I'm taking. Jun 24, † Yes, famous old men dating younger women. But a gap of 30 years or more leaves Amanda Platell cold. Ronnie Wood took his beautiful year-old girlfriend to .
We also talk regularly on the phone late at night which I imagine is not very likely to happen if a girlfriend is a reality. He's also definitely not a "losing loser" as some people have described. One of the reasons I like him is because he is very inspiring in his work ethic and charity work.
He didn't grow up in the best of circumstances but has really built a great life for himself. Just some more comments - dont know if it will change people's perceptions. He may be very good at dealing with his work life but make incredibly poor choices regarding his emotional attachments to people.
From what you have shared here, he sounds like he likes you but cannot get past the age gap. This can create an unintentional power struggle, especially if you are not as experienced. I would step back from all of this, especially because of the history of mini breakups. That is just manipulating and drama-Rama. You should be having this discussion together; he shouldn't be telling you what you want out of a relationship.
As many, many others have said, it's really not an issue of the age difference; it's an issue of the nature of the relationship. It doesn't really sound like a healthy relationship to me; he sounds as if he's taken on something of a paternalistic role, which is almost guaranteed to lead to a messed-up dynamic. Have you ever had a Facebook friend who is slightly nuts and full of drama, and you keep looking at her posts and feeling irritated, and like you want to engage, and tell her to stop being so dramatic and fighty about everything, and it's this tiny thorn in your paw whenever you notice?
And then eventually you just hide her posts, and oh my God, it's like night and day, the annoyance totally evaporates, and you can't believe you put up with it for so long?
In my experience, that's what this type of relationship is like. The drama is both annoying and sort of addictive, but as soon as you walk away, you're like - OH. Oh, wow. I didn't actually like that very much.
I don't know if the age difference is necessarily a problem, but does this relationship really feel fun and supportive to you?
Or do you spend a lot of time with an anxious knot in your gut, wondering if he's going to call, or what he'll say when you see him, if he'll smile when you walk in or frown dramatically and then tell you you definitely have to break up this time, etc?
Like many people, I had a few mildly dramatic relationships when I was your age. Why did I put up with that? Why did I engage with those people? I wasn't even having a very good time! They weren't fun, I wasn't learning anything very useful about how adults behave in relationships, and they were so full of mild drama and I felt anxious all the time.
The only thing they had going for them was that the very drama they generated was mildly exciting and made me think "I guess this is what the beginning of a relationship is like! Maybe this is how you know this is going to be an important one!
That's how you know that the relationship will be ridiculous and full of drama. I mean, look, you're young and you're figuring things out. Will it ruin your life if you remain involved with this guy? Probably not use birth controlbut on the other hand You are a young, happening lady, and there are definitely other fellows out there who would love to date you without weird flip-flopping drama about everything.
I personally think those guys are the ones you want.
Just because dating without a knot of tension in your stomach is more fun! BlahLaLa is 13 years older than I am, and we met when I was We've been together for more than 20 years, so yeah, I don't think the age difference alone is a deal breaker. But the difference between our relationship and yours is that ours was drama-free and fairly healthy right from the get-go.
Yours isn't. Drop it and move along. He's not the right guy for you, and the age difference is just a tiny part if why. You have multiple people with much more experience telling you he's sleeping with someone else based on your last paragraph.
Let me bold the parts that stand out: After all of his blunt interest in the past, all of a sudden "he doesn't want to be the guy to take my virginity.
How could someone who talks about that completely flip flop to " I can't see you anymore because if I do I know I won't let you go"? I am I wish that when I was 20 someone with more experience had shown me the things to look for.
I'm showing you now. Run away from this guy. At best he's a muddled mess and a horrible mismatch for you. It's more likely, though, that he's a liar. I would highly recommend rephrasing this question in your mind as "a 20 year old dating a 34 year old. Too much drama, yet all of it backstage. Find a guy who isn't so squirrelly about his intentions and his life. It seems pretty fucking far. It is also really not a good sign how much you've focused on what he wants instead of what you want. From the distance of the internet, that you are at least under the impression that he works 80 hours a week is not actually a good sign, at least from where we sit.
Working 80 hours a week is not something you can really do and date one person, I've done it before and it is really really non-trivial; that is 12 hours a day every day, which minus 8 hours for sleeping and leaves 4 hours total for everything else from shitting to laundry to commuting to eating.
It sounds an awful lot like the kind of thing someone who spends a normal amount of time with their girlfriend would say to explain their naturally sporadic amount of time to the girl being groomed on the side.
This guy is taking advantage of the many subtle and non-intuitive things you don't yet know to look for but are freaking the fuck out of the many older women in this thread who have literally been there and are trying to point them out. He is both fully defining the relationship, hell you even phrased your question as if from his perspective, and using that power to craft a really unhealthy one. You don't need to deal with this bullshit.
Breaking up and getting back together multiple times is something that teenagers or other 20 year olds do, not mature grown men in their 30s. I don't think the issue here is this man's age, but rather his maturity or rather, lack thereof. He seems to want to control the level of contact you guys have, the amount and type of physical contact, and the length of your relationship.
OP, is that what you want from a boyfriend? Late night conversations makes this worse, not better. He's keeping you from being intimate with anyone else, any one who is not him. Yet, he doesn't believe in relationships that last more than 5 years? And he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, anyway?
Please don't let someone like this have that kind of power over your present or future. Your first statements about him pressuring you for sex were very clear. Also, your statements were very familiar to me, so therefore, much more believable than your backtracking.
34 year old woman dating a 20 year old man
Please don't make excuses for this guy. It is NOT your fault that he came on so strong and inappropriately, so don't take on his burden by now downplaying what happened.
You're better than that. Please understand that men will be propositioning you in ways that reflect poorly on them not you for many many years to come. No one here is slut-shaming you, so don't you do start doing that to yourself!!
Telling you what kind of sex you should engage in? That he has weighed in with his opinion on what type of sexual intimacies you should try, and in what order, despite the fact that he's rejected you as too young, yet he texts and phone calls you like you are his girlfriend That spells "User.
Every second you spend talking to or thinking about this guy puts you further away from appreciating how valuable your time and energy is, and further away from being in the relationship you really want. I have a weird feeling that this guy is an investment banker, or at least that type.
In that culture, a pretty 20 year old virgin is a trophy. I suspect he can't bear to give the trophy up to anyone else, but is aware of how using you would harm you; thus, his conflict. You can do better.
Stay away. OP: Your follow-up response has made it abundantly clear to me that 1 you like and admire the man, and 2 you're going to become increasingly uncomfortable with the responses on this thread. So, my practical answer for you is No - he's not robbing the cradle. Age gaps are not the critical issue alone. Rather, continue seeing him as long as you are fulfilled and enjoying the relationship with him. When that changes, move on.
OP, of the things wrong with this relationship, the age difference is not one of them. I do like him but I also do really appreciate all the advice that everyone has given here. I believe there is cause to question the relationship I wouldn't have posted if I didn't.
In the follow up comment, I was just trying to make sure I was portraying it the right way which might not have been the case when I posted late last night posted by avenue at AM on December 8, Ugh this guy is way too immature and gross for a 34 year old guy. He wants to have sex with you and then put in caveats and pretend he has a deep emotional life.
He's gross and immature and wants to have sex with you and will say whatever it takes. What I'm getting is that he doesn't love or care about you. He isn't even respectful but is trying to seem like it. So gross. I tend to agree that 20 is quite a different stage of life then a few years later, such as 24, and that in that sense 24 is much "closer" to 34 than 20 is.
It's a different stage of life in terms of maturity and in terms of life experience, and the reason is because there's usually a long process of transitioning, rather than an overnight one, from being a dependent child of parents to being an independent adult who is a mature grown up person, and for many people that transition is still a work in progress when they are 20 but is much more completed when they are I think what this guy is experiencing is a struggle between being attracted to you personality, etc.
And I agree with everyone saying he has a girlfriend. He's regularly having sex with someone who doesn't know he's saying these things to you. When I was in my early 20's I dated a lot of people in their 30's. I didn't feel that it was inappropriate, or that anyone was "robbing the cradle" or that I was being taken advantage of in any way. In fact, quite the opposite - in most of those situations I felt like a mooch because I had less money than my partner and in general less ability to be the "giver" rather than the "taker".
I also felt like I was holding those partners back, that they should be off building a life for themselves, not running around with a 22 year old. That said, there were some really big drawbacks to the age difference. For one thing, the power differential of always being the needy one in the relationship and never being able to give generously of myself really bummed me out.
I also felt like my partners were experiencing pressures about dating someone so young, while if anything I was getting approval from my friends about my choice of awesome partners who, like, had jobs and were good at sex and stuff.
Also, in every case, we were in very different places in our lives. This meant that the relationships were ultimately doomed.
In almost all cases, these people broke up with me to date someone closer to their own age. In most cases, a specific person closer to their own age. It really sucks to hear "I met someone else" or "I'm going to start seeing [Katie] exclusively" rather than the general "this isn't working out" breakup script.
The constant threat of there being someone else who was more appropriate for my partner to be dating and thus who would always win out in the end kind of messed me up for a while. I'm also a little concerned that you are still in college, while presumably your boyfriend is not. College is really a time to be in the headspace of school, and it's hard to do that if your primary social interactions are with people who are not in school, or worse, people who left school behind 10 years ago.
Sorry, 34 year old woman dating a 20 year old man opinion. You were
As a 31 year old, I absolutely would never consider dating a traditionally-aged college student. Not because the year age difference is too much, but because of the college kid thing.
I'd consider dating someone who was 21 or 22 but out of school. I would not consider someone the same age who still had a year or more of college. I also somehow missed the whole virginity thing in your question.
Just no. As a virgin, you are basically incompatible with someone in their 30's. You are sexually on different planets. Go date someone who is around your age, who will see the whole "losing my virginity" thing from the same level you do. Hell, a 20 or even 23 year old guy has a decent shot at being a virgin himself, or at least being sexually inexperienced enough that this won't really be a thing. Someone who is 34 and became sexually active around the typical age range has been having sex for close to half their life now.
It's like the difference between community theatre and Broadway. Go find someone your age to experiment with. I also feel like this guy has a girlfriend and doesn't want to "take your virginity" because he doesn't want to be the kind if immoral asshole who cheats on his girlfriend with a 20 year old virgin. Or he doesn't care about morality and doesn't want the drama that is inevitably going to accompany you having sex for the first time.
I think you are asking the wrong questions, frankly - or at least, of the wrong people. This guy is trying to dump you without actually doing the dirty work. Further, he's the only person who can really tell you why that is, but he probably won't, because he seems pretty concerned with not being a "bad guy. But what it sounds like is that there are some real incompatibilities here, only some of which have to do with the age gap. Brief breakups that are common are NOT normal, under any circumstances.
I'm also with those who think that there's someone else in his life. It also occurred to me to ask you what your family and friends think. If, as I'm going to guess, you haven't told them, or many of them, think about why that is the case. One hallmark of a worthwhile relationship is that it isn't secret. I understand why alot of people may think he has a girlfriend at least not a serious one but here's just some reasons why I think he doesn't: 1 He texted and called me during thanksgiving.
Of course, you all could be right and he could very well be fucking someone else. He's telling you what steps you should do what sexual activities in.
He's an adult professional dating a college student aspiring to that profession, which is a big power imbalance. He has all kinds of bullshit rhetoric about how relationships "should" be. He makes decisions about the relationship without your input. You deserve better than this. You really do. And he probably is fucking someone and either it's someone who's not that into him and doesn't mind his head games because she's just looking for a fuckbuddy, or he's running his head games on her, too, and called her after he got off the phone with you on Thanksgiving and laid the same script on her.
And why is he doing this? Because he's manipulative. Because he clearly thinks of himself as some kind of romance guru. Because he gets off on having a young, bright, attractive woman be pining after him. Because he honestly likes you. But the last reason is so posted by Sidhedevil at PM on December 8, [ 4 favorites ]. Avenue, I can't say whether he's seeing someone else, but those aren't convincing reasons.
Everybody say hi to my girl avenue! We wish you could be here sweetheart! And 2 is just a promise about the future, and those aren't real things happening now. They're just words. Again, he may not be seeing anyone else, but these behaviors aren't substantive evidence for that.
They can be and have been entirely consistent with seeing someone else, as those of us with relevant life experience can attest. Every time I dated someone in their thirties when I was in my early twenties, they were seeing other people in addition to me. None of them had serious girlfriends they were trying to hide from me, but in each instance I was not the only person in their life. We were not dating exclusively. If nothing else, there was a lot of competition between me and other women they were potentially also seeing.
It just seems completely bizarre to me that this dude in his mid thirties is carrying on an exclusive and serious relationship with a 20 year old college virgin who he has no interest in sleeping with. Frankly, if that's the case, I would be a lot more worried about his overall fitness as a partner.
If nothing else, he's playing the field and has eggs in different baskets. Maybe he doesn't have a Serious Girlfriend of the sort he'd spend holidays with, but you are not the only woman he is involved with.
I'm also wondering if you guys don't have different and incompatible views of the nature of your relationship. Like maybe you see this as an exclusive Boyfriend-Girlfriend relationship leading towards marriage, and he sees this as a casual open thing where, because he's not having sex with you, he is free to see other people.
I don't see him as "the one" I am not leaning towards marriage.
HE is the one who makes it seem like that's what he wants. He's hinted at it multiple times. He has expressed multiple times that we are exclusive bc I asked him if he was seeing someone else.
Mar 07, † A fantastic woman several years my senior recently told me I should only date older men, because even though I'm 28, "being in your twenties is a form of functional retardation.". Jul 16, † According to the "norms" you shouldn't date under your age divided by two plus seven. So the youngest person a 34 year old could date would be age 24 (34/2=17; 17+7=24). You wouldn't date over your age minus seven times two, so a 22 year old person would max out at a partner aged Of course, this rule is slightly in jest. I'm 41 years old lady, and have always been attracted to older guys since I was 18, my first boyfriend was 34 and I was just 18 years old and when I was. 34 years old I dated a 62 year old man and had a very good sex life, at that time that's what I needed but now at. 41 years old what I craved is companionship, affection not so much just sex.
It seems bizarre to me too! I don't want that because at that point I would be looking for a husband. I'm not at this point in my life.
Also thanks for everyone's insight on possible other girlfriend. I don't know if he's trying to backpedal on the relationship, or if he's trying to manipulate you, but the line about what you "should" experience sexually and in what order is not good. You get to decide what you want to do sexually, and when, and with whom-and if the person you want to do those things with doesn't feel the same, that's totally fine and totally the person's right to express it, but that's different from telling you that your desires and preferences are wrong and instead they should be X.
The level of teaching here's how to do sexcontrolling relationships work best if you take my view of relationshipsand self-doubt-complaining you're so young, you're going to hate me in 5 years he seems to want to do with you is not worth your time. He doesn't have to be a totally awful person for this to be true.
Opinion 34 year old woman dating a 20 year old man have hit the
He can be nice and fun and smart and still not be worth having a relationship with because the two of you just don't seem compatible, and he doesn't seem like a good relationship prospect for you. I am about to share with you the root of all relationship wisdom, If something about someone else's behavior feels weird to you, it probably should, and investigating why will lead you to the wisdom behind why it felt like something weird and not something known.
This dude's behavior seemed weird to you, and you've gotten a lot of excellent advice to this question from folks who have followed similar threads of weird feelings before. Really I hope we can convince you to not only carefully and calculatedly DTMFA, because honestly there are a bunch of things Like, if he is trying to push exclusivity on you that is really not ok; you get to decide when you don't want to date other people, not anyone else that seem really weird in really not ok ways, but also to trust your instincts and then think through them.
Women in particular are generally socialized to not trust their instincts, to devalue them, and to consider them irrational. This only serves one purpose, to make women more vulnerable and manipulate-able. You seem to know your answer - you're at different places in your life. You want to date people in a not-heading-right-to-marriage way, maybe be sexual with people you're really close to, but not marry the first person you are with out of the gate. Meanwhile, if what you say is true, he wants a longer, exclusive relationship, but he wants you to wait for that until you're 25 and will meet his requirments.
It's not going to work. You're going to be a different person in 5 years, and so is he. Who knows whether you'll be looking for a husband. You are capable of change. In fact, you are guaranteed to change in ways you can't predict yet. And because of that, relationships really can't be put on hold until a more convenient time. And it's unfair of him to ask you to pay attention to him in the interim, while he's also saying that he can't date you, openly and uncomplicatedly, and meet your needs right now.
It's not wrong of you to feel like this isn't what you want. You are totally correct in diagnosing a disconnect betwen your desires and life stages and perhaps a fundamental attitude toward relationships - what they're for, and who is an appropriate partner. It's really hard to try to force something like this to happen.
You both want different things right now, and you're likely to want different things in the future, so even if you try to be together, it means one or both of you are going to be uncomfortable and unhappy.
Why would you want that? It's not going to work out perfectly, as you might wish in fantasies. He's telling you loud and clear that it can't work now. Listen to folks who say that the simplest things is: good relationships don't pose this many complications. My goodness. He said that? And he's 34? He may have many fine qualities, I'm thinking an abundance of emotional maturity All other factors being equal, would you be putting up with this nonsense he were a 22 year old Starbucks barista?
I tend to agree with the others that there are substantial power differentials here in terms of age, experience, success and status. If he is using these advantages to leverage permission to behave like an ass, then yeah, he's an ass. He sounds yukky, first of all.