Dating is complicated. Grief is complicated. Swirl those together and things can get pretty messy. That said, we receive lots of questions in our email asking questions related to new relationships after experiencing loss and, over time, we hope to have articles addressing all these concerns. However, after receiving emails over the years, we have realized that navigating the world of dating a widow er is more complicated than it seems. As always, at the end of the article, you will find our wild and wonderful comment section, where we welcome your thoughts and experiences. I am dating a widow who still displays photos of their late partner in their home.
She is filled with grief for her husband. The kids are now in college or graduated from college. She is really struggling with grief right now and she is pulling away from me. A few weeks ago, we talked and agreed the expected calls, communications, etc. She needed space from me. We still talk occasionally and see each other a little bit, but I am really struggling and want to do the right thing.
She used to know that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me and now she just thinks the future is an unknown. I am struggling with how to move forward. I wonder if it is best for me to give her space no communication as that will allow the grieving process to move forward, or if I should be there at the random times she reaches out.
I love these moments, but I feel like they are random moments of happiness surrounded by emptiness and stress. Perhaps I am looking for words of wisdom or maybe I just needed to pour out my thoughts.
When I wrote about the things that her husband is missing and she is missing the chance to share, it makes her feelings seem so much easier to understand. Hi, Frank. I never hear from her anymore and sometimes I wonder if I was just being used. It hurts like hell not having her in my life like I once did.
I think these are the chances one takes when dating a widow. Their lives are so complicated. Even if they are ready to move on, their lives may not be. For me, I try to focus on making myself better, going out with others even if I still miss herand dropping her a line every now and then to make her laugh and know she is cared about. Thanks for sharing your story. Hi Frank. I am a widow myself and am struggling to move on.
One minute I want to be with my new boyfriend but next minute I want to be alone. I would say give her time be patient with her, grieving is the most complex phenomenon no one can ever begin to define.
It comes in different shapes and colors everyday. I am in that situation as a 3 year old widow. Be patient with her if you really love her. I have been dating a widower for two and a half years.
He has been widowed for 7. He has met everybody in my family, has been invited to every family function, etc. I have never met anyone in his family. He has one grown daughter33, who only wants her dad to be with his deceased wife, or so he tells me. I am baffled and extremely hurt by all of this. Any thoughts.? Oh and nothing has been touched since his wife died 7 years ago.
All her belongings are still on her dresser, clothes still hanging in the closet, clothes in her drawers, shoes, pocketbooks, you name it.
Hi Peggy Did you get any answers? My boyfriend is a widower of 8 years.
He had a girlfriend of 4 years, then one for 1 year and me for one year now. And I think dating in the gaps. He has 2 adult married sons, one is a consultant.
The one son and wife live 2 roads away, the other in 30 miles away but comes up to work near my bf town, plus wife works close by.
The house has not been changed since her death. Nothing at all. I had to ask him to remove her personal effects including hair decorations and handbags and pictures of them together off the dressing table as I felt I was waiting for her to walk in the bedroom when we were in bed.
I got the answers you got. They tolerate me and when he had other girlfriends but ate not overly welcoming. They have their own homes but want mums night with him every single week. I find it extremely hard. I do t care about the villages if photos of her throughout the entire house, or the stuff they accrued in their life but the Wednesday exclusion is very hard for me.
This Wednesday vigil, plus the museum plus screensaver on his monitor is of her just feels too much.
He deleted WhatsApp messages he sent her. I feel bad for him as I finished with him now. I feel torn. I am a divorcee of a marriage of 29 years.
I met a beautiful woman over a year ago and we have been committed to each other, however, our relationship has been rocky. First, my SO is a widow. She was married to him a short time 2 years before he met an untimely death in a vehicle accident over 5 years ago. She insists she was ready to move on when we started dating. I continued seeing her because I figured I would gain a friend, and we would be friends to help each other in our journey.
So, in time the rings came off, and due to a home renovation project the pictures are down for now. Whether they get resurrected at a later date I am not sure at this time. I love this woman more than anything, and she tells me the same. But, we have a rocky relationship now.
Sorry, dating widower with you
I have tried to embrace her past, understanding and being empathetic to her plight, and, comforting her when she is down. But, it is causing me distress as it seems there is still many parts of her CURRENT life that I am being omitted from, and, not being allowed to enter. At times we are happy and friends and family thing we are a couple. However if I am not around, you might think she is married and has a relationship with her deceased husband.
I am trying, trying to work with this scenario but I am having sleepless nights now. If she is not ready why does she say she is? And, am I being selfish? Any and all input would be appreciated.
Dec 15, Dating a Widower: 10 Things You Need to Know When Starting a Relationship 1. Don't get offended. It may take a while for you to have a relationship that's as strong as their deceased partner, 2. Don't ask for too much information about their spouse. Being a good listener is key in any Author: Ashley Papa. Dating a widower comes with unique challenges that you won't encounter when dating a single or divorced man. For the relationship to work, the widower will have to put his feelings for his late wife to the side and focus on you. But how do you know if he's ready to take this step?
Thank You. Hi, Ron. A few thoughts, since you asked for feedback. Many people wear wedding rings for a long period. The reasons vary. Though she was married to him a short time, she may have experienced traumatic grief due to the sudden loss. She may have been reluctant or unable to make changes for awhile.
Maybe your HVAC works better! Social media means different things to different people. Maybe her pages are only to promote her business or keep up with distant cousins.
But does he make as much money? I see that this is a very old blog but still, I am in need of some direction and you all seem very well versed in this specific situation. So, I am a divorcee x 2 both times it was due to infidelity on their parts, the first time we had been together for 17 years and a wonderful marriage and 2 beautiful children and the 2nd lasted only 3 hellish years, thankfully God did NOT allow children to be created.
So I have been single for the past 5 years and have always felt like one of my purposes in life is to be a Wife, even though I was robbed from it twice, I still believe Love exists and am ready for it. Yes, you guessed it, I have met a Widower and he has stolen my heart. So, only 2 months after her death, he and I met. He has had many ups and down for the past 6 months but all-in-all we have gotten through them all.
I am irrevocably in love with this man, he is everything I have prayed for in a mate. He loves God more than anything and desires to serve him with his whole heart, as do I.
We have many many things in common but there are a few things that cause me concern and I am asking for a little direction from those of you that may have some answers to help me. Am I being foolish, or is this something that is normal behavior? Could someone please help!
Thanks, and God Bless- Tricia. Oh Tricia, slow downno need to rush into anything.
How to Break Up with a Widower Part 1: Reasons to Break Up with a Widower
God bless. Hi, Tricia. I would mean such as a compliment but would likely trip over my tongue saying it. The good news is You can certainly revisit that. Can you tell me more about what you meant. Lots of us experience those left in our lives never mentioning our departed and never saying their name.
Did you and Zelda plant those together or were you always the chief gardener here? Once in a while you might reference your first husband if only in a story about your kids, right? In addition it might help him to talk to a counselor or visit a grief support group. Or, there are some great articles on this site that you might suggest to him. What a powerful thing that is in a name. I will use your advice in my relationship with a widower. When my boyfriend calls me by my name it still surprises me.
Further hindering this process is the sheer fact he may go round and round in circles for years. Some take it to the grave. That said, it by no means indicates his love or feelings for you. Having been there myself, in my opinion, the best thing you can do at this point is: 1. Try to lose all your expectations of him. To be frank, you will never understand his state of mind.
Besides, until you know what you are truly dealing with here, you could be ruining the best thing that ever happened to both of you. For the first 2 years my heart ached every minute of every day. To a slightly lesser degree, my heart continued to ache for the next 2 years and still does at more random times for random periods.
There have been times when I have resigned myself to the fact that the day he died my heart went with him. Then one day I met up with an old work colleague I had not spoken to in 18mths.
He told me he lost his 41yo wife 3mths earlier to cancer just one year after diagnosis. I was shocked. I immediately felt his pain. Then just like that, he asked me out. I was quite shocked, but accepted anyway, I think mainly because we understood each other. However, I soon realised how different his grief was from mine. At one point I had to slap myself for being a bit judgemental about the time he had spent grieving. The point here is, grief IS different for everyone. Had this man come into my life say 4.
Mainly because we could have given each other valuable support and a reason to move on. That way you will be in a far better position to understand and support him with effective strategies and guidance to move on.
You need to give him is a reason to move on. We can stay here for years. The only way I can explain what happens is, the day our spouse died, we did not accept this as final. Somehow, we end up continuing our relationship with a dead person into the future, almost the same as if they were still alive today.
If he does end up taking his previous relationship with him into the future, it is impossible to determine when he will come out of this state of mindif he ever does. Contrary to what he may or may not think, he definitely needs someone in his life.
I believe, if caught earlyish, with the right approach and strategies, having a person there who you can be needy with when you need it, significantly helps people through their grieving process. Further, having a person you have a calm, intimate relationship with, is another level again.
Sometimes we just need an unconditional hug. Sometimes we just need to fall asleep lying next to and touching the person we care for in the present. Not only does it help take away the pain in our heart, but it helps us realise there is life without the person who died. We have permission to enjoy the rest of our life. But most of all we allow ourselves to move in to the next relationship.
Both well written and for those who like Harry Potter, both good books. Probably not. Nor should you be. Because this does not necessarily mean he likes that book better. It simply means he liked the way Ron drove the flying carno different to the things you love and remember from your previous relationships.
ALL relationships are different. Your relationship with this man is neither better nor worse to him right now. If you can help him do this, you will probably have his heart. It may be a long road.
It may not. It works miracles. I hope this helps. All the best x. I have been dating a wonderful man who is a widower for two years. He was married for 35 years. He will always be married to his late wife, and I need a chance to find someone who will see me as the love of his life.
I am dating a widower and he expresses a lot of love for me and talks about spending the rest of our lives together. I am love him. He is truly wonderful. I respect that he will always be married to his late wife, will have pictures of her in his home, and expects to see her again after death.
I had a long and very difficult marriage that ended in divorce. My lovely wife died 6 months ago leaving me with 3 kids aged 14, 11, and 5 years. My grieis so much.
She died of breast cancer that took evrything we worked for before she died. Sometimes life can be so mischivious.
Is it possible to find a widow to marry who can assist me with the training of the children? They have become good friends, but none can replace the precious lost love of my life. My heart remains empty. I was in love with my husband from the time I was seventeen.
More importantly, I met my best friend and soul mate when I was seventeen. But there were all kinds of complications and issues. His first wife died when I was twenty, which I was sad to hear because I had been fond of her. He was devastated, and his knee jerk reaction to his loss was to start dating me six weeks later. He was older than I was, but that was never an issue. Things were really great, I thought.
I knew it was way too soon for him to be thinking that way, and the thought of taking on his three kids so soon after they had lost there mother seemed like a really bad idea - especially since his oldest daughter is only four years younger than me!
So I did the right thing and we stopped dating, but we stayed best friends and stayed close. But he was married.
Properties leaves dating widower can
We actually worked together for several years and then when I was twenty-five I was married to an old boyfriend. Of course, three months after I got married he filed for divorce. Shortly after my divorce was final Tom and I were finally married in late Our son was born in and things were really wonderful. At least until just after my older son graduated from high school in He had an incredibly invasive surgery to remove a kidney and clean out as much of the cancer as they could, then he went through a full round of chemotherapy.
Things seemed good for awhile. But then the cancer came back. He went through chemo again, then went through the collection of his stem cells to attempt a stem cell transplant. Once that was all set to go, he became an inpatient so they could do the extremely high dose chemo to kill everything in his body before they could reintroduce his stem cells. But something went horribly wrong. His body could not handle the high dose chemo and his organs began to fail. He had to be placed on a ventilator and then had to be sedated.
After several heartbreaking weeks in the ICU, I had to make the decision to let him go. He died two weeks after our son turned thirteen, passing away nine days before Christmas. So we were married for fifteen years, but we had been best friends for almost thirty years. So, married fifteen years and now a widow for fifteen years.
I would absolutely like to believe I could still have a close, loving relationship with another person. But in fifteen years I have had two spectacularly awful dates, both from online matches. Apparently the world of online dating is pretty darn weird, unless you get lucky and find that one human being that must be out there somewhere. I am retired, I am not a church goer, I am not a bar person, and I am now sixty-four years old.
How on earth am I supposed to meet a nice, single, straight man anywhere approaching my age? Is it back to the online dating sites? It seems like you can exchange one or two nice e-mails that way, but then things start to get strange. So I have no difficulty dealing with the pitfalls of dating a widower - I have already fine-tuned that skill before.
But where, how do I even find a good man who is willing to take a shot with a perfectly good albeit lonely woman? When my wife of 47 years died, I realized that I did not fully understand the grief of losing a spouse. I am fortunate to have remarried. Dating again was scary.
I never used an online dating program. I only considered someone that I already knew from my social network. Over a year after my wife died, I asked out a widow whose husband had died 18 months before my late wife. I did not know her late husband. She had met my late wife once. We understand that love is not finite. We can love more than one person. I had six grandchildren before remarrying. I love her like my other grandchildren. We openly talk about our late spouses frequently, which allows us to discuss events from our entire life, not just the months or years in the new relationship.
I continue to love my late wife and as well as my present wife. We were very clear from the beginning of our relationship that we were not replacing the previous spouse. I would be guess that you also remarried a woman who is at least 10 years younger than you are!
I have watched that happen so many times. My own father remarried a woman 10 years younger than himself. She was my mother. I have watched and decided that this is what most widowed men choose to do! In our culture, it is much easier for a man to remarry than for a woman to remarry.
The man has a much wider field to choose from. One reason is there are so many more widows than widowers left alone. Another reason is that men are typically the aggressor who pursues. Most women are not comfortable in being the one to start the relationship.
We wait for the men to ask us. You had the freedom to decide when, where, and who to ask. Most women would rather be pursued than be the pursuer! But, now as a widow it is not a fun or hopeful game at the age of I, too, had a wonderful and happy married life for over 40 years. My whole life has totally changed. I not only miss him but the life I had with him.
They tend to pick someone much younger. So this game just gets harder, the older a widow becomes. I have no desire to even look at a man who is over Why would I when the chance of him dying is so high?!? Only God knows how a widow really feels.
I continue to go visit with LH mom so is turning 84 on February 22, But now feel like I need to sneak around to see her. Which makes me feel sad for him, since I know she would really like him. Find someone else. There are plenty of people who are whole enough to deal with the fact that you are still part of those people and they are still a part of you. The best ones can integrate and make room for the memories of your life with the other people while you make a new life with a new person.
Not all the memories are good and I talk about those too. Also, Tammy. Infact I think they like him more than me. We chose to add. I met who was later to become my wife, when she was just 14 years old and I was 17 years old. When she was 16 and I was 18, we ran away and got married. After 53 years of marriage, she lost her 2 year battle with Pancreatic Cancer. How do you continue on with your life, when the love of your life, was your life?
She was stunning at 14, but even more so at 40, 50 and even I loved watching her age, which, like everything else, she did beautifully. I was very surprised that she died. Throughout her illness, I held on to the hope that her treatments could reverse her cancer. By the time her death was inevitable, it was too late to communicate with her properly, except emotionally. I cared for her at home, but there was no way to discuss the future, which loomed like a black hole.
When I look back on our marriage, I remember the intimacy, the inside jokes only the two of us really got. I miss and remembered her hugs, feeling embraced and totally safe; like the whole world was just the two of us. My very beautiful wife, soulmate and best friend of 54 years had just turned 68 the month before.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, two years prior, I was in a fortunate position to retire and be her full-time care giver for 2 years before she passed away. Throughout our marriage we always had a very close and loving relationship, but the last 2 years brought me even closer to this wonderful and loving human being, as I came to love and admire her tenacity and her courage during her illness. I still think about my wife every day- often more than once.
If this is a criteria for dating than count me out. It seems that the women my age are to hung up on companionship and not a loving relationship. They want to wine, dine and travel, with no emotional or loving commitment. You watch your TV and I will watch mine. You sleep in your bedroom and I will sleep in mine. I imagine the women you talk about are the rule and not the exception. Especially if you are coming off plus years of marriage. I would think if you are in your 40s.
But if you are in your mid 60s? You are too close to if something does work out and you are ready to dive in to only have to go through the grief all over again and why would you want that or to have someone else deal with it?
I will proudly count myself to be one of those. A one and done. Dating IS complicated. Dating at an age when you expected to be enjoying traveling, grandkids and the fruits of years of hard work. G-d bless him. To expose myself perhaps literally and my fragile sense of self at my current age is beyond daunting.
But so is spending the rest of my days alone. Hard to know what to do.
Or where. Or how.? I am a widow for 3 years. I was a young enthusiastic woman when I met my husband 36 years ago. I worry I have nothing to offer now. I have five kids, youngest two in high school. He knows them all from church. His child lives out of state. It makes me both giddy and anxious to think of making a move.
Dating A Widower can turn out to be a real challenge to most women. They sometimes just can't handle it, and if you are a widower you know what we are talking about. But there are a lot of women out there that are strong, understanding and open minded enough to accept that challenge - and most of them are here on our dating website. Dating a widower or a widow is hard on many levels, but there are thousands upon thousands of people out there who've either gone through the same thing as you and completely understand or don't care about your relationship or marriage status. They see how great you are and want to do their part to make it work with you. If you are struggling as a partner to a widow(er), the biggest question to ask yourself is whether you are truly ready to accept that the person you are dating will, on some level, always love and care about the person who died?
I also worried that I had nothing to offer. I actually asked people what women offered in a relationship other than the obvious physical things. One of the best answers I got was: Balance. One of the best things I did was fill out the eharmony questionaire. But it helped me really take a look at who I was now, after not being widowed.
When you know who you are and what you have to offer- honesty, companionship, laughter, compassion, fun, maybe food, friendship. Everyone needs these. I will start off by simply saying I lost me wife tragically-shockingly and suddenly to state 4 lung cancer that had mets to her brain.
We worked both of us each close to 40 years to get to it. Oh yeah why here? Well Valentines Day we were married- we had 37 years and were cranking to He was like teaching him how. We started dating and he was romantic and just wonderful My heart went out to him for his loss and it still does.
Then he disappeared for about 3 months until I contacted him. The back and forth has been going on for about 2 years. We got back together 2 weeks ago because I contacted him for his birthday. He said he is not ready for a relationship but when he knows it will be me. Than I discovered that he is on a dating site atleast 2 times every day.
I ask him and he lies. I can tell when he is on it because I can go into it and see who is online at the moment. When I confronted him he just got really mad. I saw him on a Tuesday after not seeing him for 3 months. It was great but everyday their was an excuse as to why he can not see me that night.
He lives 3 blocks from me. He wants to see me when he wants to see me and not until. He spends a lot of time facetiming with his 2 girls and grand kids in Pittsburg but they do not know anything about me.
I met 2 of his friends last week on the beach which was a shock that he even ask me. I broke up with him because once again he made an excuse why he could not come to dinner after I already bought all the stuff to make it.
Am I a fool? Iam thinking that he just likes sleeping with me and thats it. I really love him but I am not sure I should continue. He also says he loves me but not ready. I have no answers.
I cannot thank you enough for your comments. These are uncharted waters for me. She was truly the love of his life! His love for her is one of his most attractive qualities. However, things are starting to get serious between us and I am now questioning wether or not I have what it takes to be in a deep relationship with someone who still loves a ghost and if he actually has room in his life for me.
You helped me make sense of that. Thank you. You said it so well. I lost my wife of course I will always remember July 22, at am. Terrible death GBM brain cancer. After dating a bit I met what I believed was a soul partner and we fell in love.
I was blown away. She wanted no pictures or any involvement by in any memorials or fundraisers.
Pity, dating widower speak
This is after dating 2 months. I will never forget the person I shared 25 years with and took care of her as she died a slow death. But like you I have much love to give and the love for my deceased wife only amplifies that. I hope someday I find someone that can love and appreciate that. Be well. Brian I am so so sorry for your terrible loss.
Unfortunately this new women sounds like she was unable to communicate in any adult way. Otherwise she would have been able to share her REAL feelings and given you the chance to either work things out or end your relationship in a kind, respectful manner. My take is that you should be glad to be rid of her. The kindness you showed to Jenny is lovely.
You deserve no less than the same. Best to you. I have recently met a wonderful man who lost his wife in November. They were married for 30 years and she was ill for three. Everything has been going so well until I have become insecure and comparing myself to her as he mentions her sometimes when I say something about myself - he will say oh K did that too, or K thought that too etc. He also has her picture next to his bed. He wants me to stay in their house in the same bed that they shared, the same bed that she died in and the same bed which has her photo next to it.
So I have suddenly become uncomfortable in the relationship even though he tells me he loves me and wants to build a future with me. I am very insecure generally as I am divorced twice and both husbands had affairs.
I always feel second best and now I am starting to feel like the consolation prize even though he floods me with affection, kindness and commitment. Your message has helped me try to get things into perspective but if you have any other advice I would be grateful. I am nervous that I will bolt because I cant bear the feeling of comparing myself to K and feeling that I will never be as good as she was. Hi Debbie. What I see is that you have to get clear on your boundaries here.
For me, for instance, sleeping in the same bed would be a dealbreaker. So is having a pic at his bedside. Especially when that is the bed you are supposed to share when intimate! So if a man wanted that, I would tell him how much I care about him and want the relationship to grow AND that in order for me to feel safe and secure I need him to replace that bed and move the pic.
Those would be MY boundaries and I would not budge on them. Do some work on what you need, Debbie. Get help if you need to. And when you figure it out and are able to articulate itset your boundaries clearly and stick to them. But YOU are the only one who can assure that. Thank you so much for your comment!!
I very recently met a man who was in a loving marriage and lost his wife. He often shares the same sentiments of simply not knowing what to do with the physical reminders.
My heart always goes out to him and I actually wish he still had her. He has young children and I could never see them not having pieces of her around them.
They need her and always will. Your comment just helped me so much, both of us are going through things we never thought would happen and we both have such an appreciation for cts in a relationship that are loving and good even though we are coming from different places. I hope you find love again, people who know how to love and give it as a blessing are precious on this earth and the next man who loves you is very blessed, indeed. Take care!! And thanks so much again!
What a nice note to Jenny, Millie. I met him 4 years ago, 4 months after she died after 9 yrs of fighting cancer. We live together but he will not talk about marriage.
He criticizes me frequently. Sex is infrequent. I seem to be a companion. He says he needs time. I gave up dating younger men when he came along. I loved his stability and his enthusiasm for life. I still do. He sounds like an as whole, girlfriend. Please allow yourself to accept the truth. Hi I just wanted to thank you for the tips on dating a widower. He lost his wife to cancer almost 4 years ago. His adult children and entire family have been very welcoming but it has taken some time to get there.
As you said, go slow. The most challenging truly is to not be offended. I think the hardest part for me and the reason I appreciate your advice is that most of my girlfriends have no idea how it feels.
Your tips are so helpful. Thank you! I really needed to hear them today! Anne Marie I cant imagine how difficult this has been for you. Keep searching out support from people who have been where you are or, like me, have Successfully supported those women. He told me his wife died in and has a young daughter. Thanks all x. Dont ask him about his wife, girlfriend.
Just ask him about himself. Learn more about him. Does he feel ready to date and is he open to relationship if he meets the right woman? Tread slowly. And last thing: get on video with him! Hi Charl Does this man your talking to from a dating site. Is he in the military? The marine core to be more specific? And on top of that, he had spent over 40 years in a healthy and solid marriage. I have a guy who is a widower which he lost his wife 4 months ago, presently we are seeing but i noticed he ready cos we do communicate about it.
Nice article Bobbi. My wife of 32 years passed away five months ago from cancer. You are FAR from damaged goods my friend.
When the time feels right for you get help with the dating process. Hi, thank you for your good insight and I thank all the others for info on their experiences. I am 68, a widow of 12 years. My man is 70, widower of 6 years. We dated many many years ago but broke up because we were young and immature. Both of us married I even had a divorce, too and had families and here we are, 40 years later, back together-nice surprise of life, thanks Facebook.
There are adjustments. We are a committed couple of one year now but there are some things we all must go through. The month of February is one we have to take slowly. Both our spouses died in this month and the anniversary depression does hit.
It also hits on wedding anniversaries, etc. We talk about it and allow the other to feel what is needed. I wanted to say 1 Yes, he will occasionally mention her but if it is just a frame of reference for time, it is ok. I do the same. He will have to state clearly that this is his choice to make and this is how it will be.
Same for the kids. Our kids have to accept that our lives need to go on. Yes, both deaths were devastating, but we live in the here and now. No one will forget the ones we lost. We now have two guardian angels looking over us. Look forward to the future. Because we have good communication things have progressed well, however, there are bumps in the road. There will be more bumps in the future.
Marriage cannot be rushed into quickly, neither should cohabitating be either. I have a daughter with two young children living with me, he has a son in college. If you have any reservations, anything that bothers you at all, talk about it.
I do not profess to have all the answers. We are just a year into our relationship but we talk about it often. I guess I wanted to say that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for sharing your story and some great advice, Marie. I became a widower approximately 7 months ago, after 17 years of marriage, 3 of which were spent as her caregiver. I dabbled into the dating site thing, thinking I was ready. Best advice I can give - be careful. Women, if you are on a rebound, you can be sure a widower for less than a year is too.
I was dumped about 6 hours before a planned first date. She was smart. She sensed something wrong, told me and fled. Another one, the first date was delayed due to an illness she had I believe she was genuine.
However the next day, another lady texted me, and I accepted a coffee date.
It was awkward as ever, but she just asked me for a second date. Thankfully, the second date was cancelled. My point is, my mind plays tricks on me. In hindsight, the best, most caring response I received was from a lady saying she was concerned about the 7 month thing, and told me to protect my heart.
She also told me to seek her out in 6 months to a year or so if I wished. Stand your ground. A new widower less than a year is vulnerable physically, emotionally and mentally. Others may not realize that until they are too far down the emotional road.
Thank you SO much Dave, for your honest and heartfelt comment and advice. All women need to know this.
Too many women get that feeling but still go for it and get emotionally involved with a man who is confused and just not ready.
I do disagree with one thing: there is no exact time limit on when someone is ready to move on. Some are ready soon; others after years they are still struggling with the sadness, loss, and guilt about trying to move on. I wish you the very very best, Dave. And again, thank you for your wisdom. You will help a lot of women by telling your truth here. Dave, that is an excellent post. Very insightful. I like your introspection. Hang in there. Give it time.
June 7,is approved to this site, I hope you lend your thoughts. I have known this widower for 56 years! Our family grew up together! I always loved him and currently in love with him more than ever! He says he has feelings for me but it is too soon! What is my next step!!!!
Believe him!!! If he says it too soon he means it. So you have to decide if you are willing to wait and hopeor move on. Neither may be easy but I encourage you to do one or the other.
I am dating a guy for 3 months has lost his wife due to cancer almost one year. He has a son aged 3. A year anniversary coming soon and they were together for almost 14 years. They were high-school sweetheart. It confuses me. We have been intimate for few times, and we slept together for 2 times couple of hours as I traveled 4 hours to see him. Everything is going great between us. He cried to sleep almost everyday and speaks about her all the time.
I say nothing and acknowledge him. I never been married and I am stroke survivor for 4 years. He always said that if I found someone, please let him know. What does that mean? It means he needs more time, like he told you. I encourage you to go live your life and let him do what he needs to do.
He has told you to do the same, just not in the same words.
Hello again, I left out of very important piece of information. I am very sympathetic I lost my mom a few years ago but there is a fine line between being tasteful and obsessed.
He does talk about her but not incisively we talk about both our former relationships but have really started to grow quite close.
They were a very good looking couple and he told his wife he thought I was extremely attractive. Four years ago she overdosed at the age of 45 leaving behind a five-year-old son. Her husband and I would kiss or touch each other every time our significant others left the room or attraction to each other was undeniable. After she passed I would reach out to him to see how he was doing. About three months after she passed we slept together but we were very drunk.
We still kept in touch and he kept promising to take me out or come to my apartment etc. A few months ago one of my friends saw him on a dating site. I was definitely disheartened that for three years he was trying to make plans with me and something would always come up on his end.
At this point I was on my third engagement but not in love. Additionally I called him and I am not that kind of woman I always wait for the guy to call first. Of course I put him on block however I have no problems getting man but I really felt something after all these years. The fact that he promised over and over he would make it out to me how beautiful I am I know talk is cheap but this was different. So I basically dumped him via text and blocked him.
Are usually break up with someone before I get her and I was feeling hurt. Should I take him off lock and see if he calls or let it go. My widower friend keeps taking me to the same places where he took his wife of 51 years.
How can I change this? Ummm, ask him to take you somewhere different. And maybe why. Another factor not mentioned in the article is that in the early stages of grieving a widower and widows will often go into distraction mode starting around the month mark. It can be a short period or go on for years, mine lasted about 4 years, and they are emotionally unavailable until they have stopped distracting themselves and completed their active grieving.
This is just a summary of the situation, if you want additional information feel free to write me. Thanks for sharing this, Russell. I think it will help us better understand some men better. This is amazing advice.
I just started speaking with a recently widowed human. We have grown fond of eachother and have a very strong physical connection. He goes through phases of wanting time to grieve and become emotionally stable and reaching out to me. First and foremost I am his friend and want to help him through his grieving phase. Is this something that I can do? Or should I leave him be and push him away until his grieving phase is finished? I think the advice I give and that of the hundreds of people who have commented should give you a good idea of next steps.
Best, Bp. Is that normal? He will always be a widower. He can be that and a husband or boyfriend. If this disturbs you I suggest you check yourself. Are you asking him to forget her by taking that part of his identity from him?
Just want to know if this site is for overseas only and I am in Africa and have questions and need advice. Hello Bobbi, I was reading your page and wanted your feedback on a widower I am dating. His wife passed away of cancer and it will be 4 years this year. I met him online and we have been dating exclusively for 3 months now and met in July of last year. There has been a pattern in getting to know him.
We have a really nice time together and been physical intimate. I only get acknowledgement when I am with him. Sometimes when he is over and he gets triggered, he just leaves. No explanation. I have attachment issues because of my own experience of relationship models that were not loving to each other.
There are times I try to talk about things and he makes jokes. He is very kind when we are together, we have interesting conversations, we laugh so much and when I was sick he went out of his way and made me food and bought me grocery.
Typical and understandable for a person who has lost their mate, right? Regardless of which is the reason you have to decide if you want to stick with him. Are you getting what you need? Maybe have a serious, grownup conversation with him and then decide. I love your advise! I feel more at ease, taking your advice in consideration regarding my personal situation. I got engaged xmas to a Pastor who lost his wife 20 months ago, they were married 48 years. I just re-met a man that reached out to me 6 months ago.
His wife passed away 7 months ago.
Here dating widower you have understood?
She had cancer and was able to keep her alive for 2 years. I knew him when I was 18 and he was Now I am 51 and have been divorced for 12 years. I have 3 kids and he has 2. The only difference is my kids are all grown up and his youngest is 15 which he has to attend to. I know he has her stuff cuz he told me. He says he is ready to move on and shows so much interest me and talks about a future possibly living in or marriage together.
His room. I am giving him such a hard time for this. Help me overcome this sensitivity. There are tips for you all over this page that can help you, Mandy. Read comments and my advice there. His wife died November 2nd of !
I am just starting a relationship with a soon to be 70 yr old man. We are meeting on February 11, He is coming to meet me in Pennsylvania from Georgia. He has talked about his wife to me quite often. She died of cancer in He loved her very much. He said he is ready now and needs a good woman in his life. How do I handle myself with him? I feel I should let him make the first move in holding hands and having our first kiss. I was divorced 2 times from 2 narcissists and abusers.
Can you give me any tips to ease my mind? Thank you, Kathleen. Hi Kathleen. There are tips for you all over this page! I hope your words help me.
I started dating a man who list his wife after 26yrs of marriage. He came on to me. Told me he loves me first. But I still feel like he is not ready to be in a true relationship. Am dating s widower and all I understand about his relationship with her was a different one with my, and any time I tried telling him that she is a different person and I also, and he should know that I have never been married before and he should do what he suppose to do to me.
We got talking I naw told him that I noticed some thing with him is like his relationship with his late wife before marriage so many things are missing. The next thing was he got angry that I should not bring her in to this bla,bla,bla. Please is really disturbing me please advise me how will I go about this please thanks.
I think the article along with the endless advice I have given in comments over the years will help you make some choices. Thank you for the advice. I was praying that direct to the right advice on how to deal with a widower and God lead me to your site! Thank you so much! Your advice is answer to prayer. I love to hear it! Hi Bobbi I wrote a few days ago, really could use advice and direction.
I worked with a married guy for 3 yrs. I met his wife beautiful person. She got cancer, I would talk to her periodically, for I had gotten a cancer diagnosis before as well. Unfortunately hers got no better, she passed. Through her sickness I would talk to him as to console him. That went on for a few months, at about that point we started to date.
I was scared, he said absolutely he was ready. We spent quite a bit of time together even went on a cruise. I looked for signs of him possibly suffering, but never saw any. As the Xmas holidays started to approach I started to notice a difference in him. I texted him in about a wk at New Years, he texted me back, I then texted as to how much I missed him, he responded the same to me. We agreed to meet, he said a little about how he had been feeling, which was grieving his wife we were intimate and enjoyed the evening together and I went hm.
Please give advise. We met online I am 66 he is We live in different cities. We hit it off right away lots of same interests. He wanted to start spending 24 seven days with me and it was wonderful He wanted me to come to his city and spend three days with him and meet his friends. We played golf went to dinner had wonderful sex met his friends it was fabulous! You continue to text and talk to me on the phone daily and then the Christmas holiday came. I went out of state to visit family for a few days we continue to talk and text.
I heard from him on December 26 when I was flying home and that was it. For one week he did not contact me. I finally sent him on January to a text saying happy new year. He responded quickly said he had a total spin out over his wife at Christmas and really misses her. I sent him another text. He did not call that day. And this will be the first and most important challenge you have to win.
There is no place for any competition between you and his former mate who passed away. To build a relationship with a widower, once again, you need enormous patience and a share of creativity. He will be your first struggle, but his relatives and friends who remember stories and recall memories related to his deceased wife, will be there too. Your call here is to comfort everyone, including yourself, and let no drop of comparison.
We gathered 6 facts that will help you understand, what a widowed man goes through and therefore ease the communication and understanding between you. Grieving is not the process that is easily controlled. There is no time frame for it. Feelings take various shapes and forms, so there is no common way of getting over it.
You may meet men who rush to get romantic attachments weeks after they lost their spouse. They might have loved their wives dearly, but turning out to be abandoned all of a sudden makes them accelerate events.
On the other hand, some men tend to stay away from serious commitments for years. Statistics show that men are more likely to force actions. Being only a few weeks into their widowhood they are already eager to find a woman who eventually will cure their heartache. This term is not nearly enough to actually be ready for making emotional bonds. At the same time, men often times decide on starting going on dates due to society pushing them.
People around have good intentions advising going on. But nobody else rather than a man himself can judge whether the time has come or not. Sadly, there is no other way to check the waters than going on a date. But feeling of it being to soon may appear right when a woman waves her hand in a greeting sign. If it comes to you that your new partner might not feel right about dating you, a temporary break is a good idea. Widowers also tend to decide they are cheating on their late wives.
They feel they are being disapproved for even thinking about filling the emptiness in their heart with love again. Perfect timing for a relationship with a widowed man is a year or two after the death of his former spouse.
In addition, it is better to share a place together in some other space or area, not where he lived with his ex. But there is a valuable reason behind widowers dating widows. By the time you start dating a widower, he might be out of the dating scene for decades. At the same time the world around changes, so do women and their expectations from men.
What was acceptable and common before might not be the case now. Their have not been dating apps back into those days, people used to meet each other on social occasions and get close by real conversation. Especially a person who is not used to internet associations might not get it right straight away. Not expecting too much also implies to desire of long-term commitment. Here widowed men show themselves from two drastically different sides. On one hand, losing a significant other influences the will of avoiding being alone for too long.