Guest Contributor. People often have this notion that what makes relationships thrive is always spending time together. Every day we see lovestruck duos on social media who travel, eat, and go on exotic adventures hand in hand. Millennials in particular, thrive on full schedules. They chase careers, build businesses, and move to new cities on a whim.
And if he did cancel, he would profusely apologize and immediately suggest an alternative such as getting together at 9 p. I completely agree with this. I started dating my husband when he was in medical school and when we were first together he gave me this big speech about how he was going to be super busy in school, blah, blah, blah. Well, that lasted about 12 hours because the moment we were officially together, he was all in and has been ever since.
Had this not been the case, we would have never worked. Oh man, where were you two ladies or friends like you for the three years I was dating my ex who was always too busy school, work, family - it was always something? Actually, everything you ladies said sounds a lot like what my friends said to me multiple times. It just took a really long time to sink in. It was always something and I was always the one left holding the short end of the stick and getting put at the end of the priority list.
I crossed the line between being understanding and supportive of a hectic schedule and just letting myself get walked on. Looking back, I feel like a grade A dummy for letting him treat me that way. But reading what you ladies have said makes me feel confident that someone better can be found. I agree as well. I dated a hedge fund principal who told me that I was great and gorgeous, but never seemed to have time to see me or even to respond to emails.
That relationship did not last long. I shortly thereafter met my husband, who was also very busy, but the difference was that he made time for me. He called me whenever he could, even if it was just for 10 minutes while driving to his next appt. Frankly, even the busiest person has the time to send a quick email or text.
If someone is too busy for even that, then he is just not into you enough. I wish more women realized this!! My dad was a Very Important Surgeon-as junior partner in a 2 or 3 person practice, he had lots of weekend call and frequently went out nights. He gave my sisters and me our baths, supervised teeth brushing, tucked in in with stories and singing every night until it was no longer appropriate for us to be naked around him, and then he still tucked us in very sweetly.
Opinion dating someone whos really busy are absolutely
This let my mom get the kitchen back in order and catch her breath, and their time together every evening was very important to them both. They went out to dinner just the 2 of them. When he went to conferences, he called every night and we all-he, mom, and us kids-clearly looked forward to those calls. We did family vaca and he and Mom took a week every year. She was his medical technician. She signed up a the local, non-accredited law school.
She dropped out. They went to Europe. A year later, she had kid one, followed by kids two two years later and three another two years later. They got divorced five years ago, when the kids were 18, 16 and My tentative conclusion is that competitiveness was a major reason why all of these previous relationships failed.
Point. dating someone whos really busy something
In most cases, I always felt like the guy discounted my intelligence and achievements, or tried to find ways to do so, and fundamentally did not respect me as an equal. Interestingly, when I confronted the issue directly both before and after breakups, dependingeach of them denied it up and down.
I have no idea which it was or maybe it was both -but regardless, my tentative conclusion is that I just needed someone who was very passionate about his work, but in a different professional world from me. I truly admire all of his work, and I never doubt that he feels the same toward me.
We were both in grad school, in different departments, and I went to a party hosted by someone in his department whom I happened to have met through university activities.
I will say, though, I was pretty proactive about it!
I knew I might never run into him again after the party, so a few days later I totally e-mailed him to ask him out. The moral of the story is to go for it. Not totally on topic, but relationship connected. In college, I dated a guy on and off for about two years. It was awful, really took a toll on me emotionally, physically, grades wise, etc. We had a really, really nasty breakup.
There are two things that come to mind: 1) He's too busy for a girlfriend and 2) No matter how busy a guy is, when he's in love, he'll make time. Especially as early as 3 months into the relationship when everything is still new. I would feel the same way as you in the situation. If you're one of those people in a relationship with a perpetually busy person, it's natural to feel left out. These emotions are totally normal, particularly for individuals who crave a lot of togetherness and physical intimacy. So what do you do when your partner asks for a night with the boys? Accept it. Accept the fact that she is busy. This is the first step in dating a busy girl, and do not hold this against her. If you are willing to take up this whole challenge of being with a girl who has her priorities straight, and her schedule full, then accept it.
I took time off after college and worked for a few years and am now about to finish my second year of law school. I realized that both this semester and last semester during finals I have been thinking about him. Not in a romantic way, but wishing I had peace with him and scared he is going to come back into my life at some point.
He was awful during the relationship, but I did not handle myself properly while it was ending, and do not have much to be proud of. For the record, I do not want to ever contact him. Any advice? I think I need to forgive myself, but that is easier said than done. I think therapy could definitely help.
Hugs to you, sounds like you are carrying a lot of worry and stress with you surrounding this relationship. Could you find out some information about him and what he is up to now without him knowing it i. You might find out that he has started a new relationship, gotten married, moved to a new city, started a new job or business, or done other things to give you some indication that he has moved on.
You wake up expecting to give your boyfriend a kiss and once again, he's gone. That's the 5th time this week that he's not around at your convenience and a sure sign you are dating a busy man. Take it from someone who works all the time. I understand how frustrating it can be for you to want to spend quality time with your boyfriend. As for dating someone who's very busy: I routinely work hour weeks, as does my spouse. He travels a lot, and I do not. Despite that, we're able to pay attention to each other and be there for each other when the need arises. Aug 23, Labor Of Love: 4 Tips On Dating A Busy Person 1. Start Off Casual. Take your time to feel the person out. Go on a number of coffee or lunch dates and get to know the 2. Be Realistic. Should you decide to explore the relationship you want make sure you have a realistic expectation when 3. Make.
Even if you never send the letter, it may help to get your feelings out there. Have some friends agree that you can call them if you ever think seriously about it, and they will talk you down. Trust me on this.
What happened in the past is past and you can neither change it, nor take it back. Time heals almost all wounds, and it is very possible that your ex has not spent nearly as much time thinking about you as you have about him.
And even if he has, you two are not the only people in the world to have an ugly, messy breakup. If he does, you have a pretty good defense - this guy is not an ex-boss or law enforcement officer or parole official, someone with some credibility.
I would never, ever fail to hire someone, be against my friend dating someone, or think badly of someone because their ex-partner badmouthed them many years after the end of the relationship. I would think badly of the ex. We all have things in our past we are not proud of. Back in high school, I dated a guy who had a longtime girlfriend. He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend to be with me.
It caused one of those high school dramas that seem so crucial at the time. As it turned out, he was a loser and she was well rid of him, but her gain was my loss.
The things we do at 16, huh? Therapy would probably help. The most important thing is to stop perseverating on this. I sometimes think about this, too. I have an ex from high school who emotionally and verbally abused me. But there are certainly unresolved feelings there. Wow, are we the same person? I could have written this word for word. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it hit so close to home.
Like you, I had a horrible relationship in college that ended very badly, to the point that I had to have a restraining order against my ex.
When the ex found out I was engaged, he wrote nasty emails to my husband and divulged lots of personal details about me. Three days before my actual wedding, he sent me a text saying that he was going to sabotage my marriage. It was all incredibly scary. The good news?
Dating someone whos really busy
None of that happened. I had the foresight to tell my husband before we married about my past, and I warned him that this ex was crazy and would likely try to contact me or him. Eight years later after our marriage, this ex still reaches out to my husband but not me through Facebook email and says terrible things about me.
We have always just ignored him. I made some poor choices in my early years, namely with this ex, and I now regret them. I have never, ever thought of myself as a sad person, but going to therapy made me realize how much sadness I carried around about that relationship.
I do think it helped. I realized that I needed to forgive myself for my actions as well as forgive him. But you know what? Some people are not mentally stable, and reconnecting with him could actually make things worse. Hopefully your future husband will appreciate your candor and honesty with him.
Good luck to you. Holy cow! When I started grad school, I had a dream that he was sitting in the department when I walked in, and told everyone there what a foolish nicompoop I was and that I had no business being there nevermind that I am WAY more educated.
I felt like he was watching me and raining on my parade! Needless to say, I blocked him. Realizing that neither of us was totally innocent, and neither meant to be a super-destructive person although he was. I reached a point where I need to jump some major hurdles to move forward in my life, and I mediated on what I needed to do to clear the hurdles. The answer came very clearly: let go of the restentment and anger toward this guy. I went for a long windy walk, and it literally blew away in the wind.
Good luck! I know this is a hard journey! I hope you can find a skilled and compassionate therapist to help you work through it. Thank you all so much. You have no idea what it means to me to know I am not the only person to go through this. I really appreciate your comments so much I know this is a personal subject.
I will look into getting a therapist for my long term, but you have all really helped me short term. When I was 20, I had a miscarriage. The guy was supportive at first, but over the next few months became more and more upset about it, angry and mean to me. He wrote me a letter a few years later asking for forgiveness.
I had no interest in communicating.
You can do it! Even if he does show up, you can say no and refuse that future contact. Convincing the non-rational part of yourself is much harder. I dated a guy all through high school.
We broke up while I was in college and it was a very messy break up. I was always worried about the tape but I never brought it up. I should have demanded it back when we broke up but that would have just reminded him of it and given him ideas. I have no idea what he ever did with it and if he still has it. I always worried it would come up some day if I ran for office, etc. How foolish was I at 16 to think that was a good idea. But he was the love of my life that I was sure I was going to marry.
I have the same story. Even worse, my ex wrote me letters after we broke up threatening to show the videotape to my now husband. He never did, and I just keep praying that he destroyed it. But I do have the same worry that the tape will show up later on in life.
First, I hope the reference to the Clintons was tongue in cheek? While both are highly successful business people, I would definitely NOT want to emulate their relationship! This question is difficult. I met my SO when I was in law school and he was in residency.
We are both intensely competitive and, looking back, I am shocked either of us made time for the other. I will say that in the beginning, I did not prioritize his needs or truly devote real time to him.
Apologise, dating someone whos really busy opinion
Too often I used the studying excuse and blew him off. I honestly was studying, but looking back, it was disrespectful. He stuck with me amazing! He let me know that I could work late, but that I had to make him important, too.
But I was. So, I made him a priority and tried to show him that he was a priority. I did this by keeping him very ated. That was our key. When he had an emergency c-section, I got a text. When I had a shouting partner placing unreasonable demands on me, he got a text. And I became an expert at the dinner break. Once a week at least - usually times a week - I left work at 7.
I would then work until 2am, but it was worth it. He responded by taking some call from home, even though it really meant he got less sleep because of travel time. I felt better because he cared enough to come home and hold me for a few hours. Also, he was master of the coffee break. He would take breaks from the hospital and write me the longest, most hilarious emails. They made my day - still do. And I cannot tell you how important the support thing is. I took a less stellar job once so my SO could have his dream job.
After four years, I was so miserable at work that my SO literally forced me to go get a new job - and then left his dream to support me in a new city. They still have to happen. Very long winded, but I agree. It is about feeling like a priority.
If he is super competitive and takes time to hear you on your concerns and support you, then he is a keeper. If you do not get that attention, then voice it! This post is exactly the reason that I consciously chose not to date and ultimately marry someone in law my field.
I am highly competitive and I knew I would not be able to set that competitive spirit aside, which would make for some awkward times in the relationship.
He travels a lot, and I do not. And because I am a very no-nonsense person, I would not continue in that sort of relationship. This goes for you, too. My busy SO and I have been together just over three years. The first two years we were both working busy jobs - he had crazy hours and was doing his MBA part time and I had a crazy commute. This year I moved about 45 min. Of course I wish there was more time we could spend together, but the adventure is about to get way crazier because he is moving to the Bay Area for a new dream job.
I think the most pressing concern is what my career will look like if I do move out there. I know it is a very competitive market, so worry that fresh out of law school I will not be able to find much since it is so far from the midwestern school I attend. He is adamant that I should not settle for a job just to be close to him, but I do not know at this point what my options will be.
Any thoughts on high-achieving relationships that get split up geographically? How does one relocate and try to find a good position? What is the balance between following your own dreams and wanting to be with the person you love? We fell immediately in love, dated long distance for about eight months, and then he moved to NYC until I finished law school.
Anyway, long story short - he did not like telecommuting and he did not like living in NJ while I was clerking.
Consequently, I applied for an appellate clerkship in Wisconsin, which was offered to me and we ultimately moved here. After the clerkship, however, I was utterly unable to find a job in the market and was unemployed for about eight months, and it was miserable.
Even after I found my current position, I was still resentful because of the unemployment and what I thought were multiple lost opportunities because of the move I had a biglaw job lined up in NYC before we moved.
Without sounding too cheesy, these are the things we do for love. These are the compromises we make. Do I regret the move and how it happened? Would I change anything, looking back on it now? Left a great job too.
Mar 09, You don't ALWAYS have to imagine a future with someone you're dating in order for it to be worthy of your time. Sometimes you're just dating for what it is, a bit of fun, and you're perfectly. Aug 07, The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. like, really busy. Jul 07, 11 Things You Should Know Before Dating a Busy Person. You want to plan something last minute? Hahahahehehehehohoho! By Lane Moore. Jul 6, 20th Century Fox. 1. You want to plan something last Occupation: Sex & Relationships Editor.
But I figured that when I looked back on my life, would I have been happy to have had that great job or would I have been happier with a good relationship. The relationship won. The experiences I had at the job I got in the new location were career builders after all, and I am very very happy with the direction my career has gone! So you never know. That being said, I also moved away from him after 4 years living under the same roof to pursue my career.
And we did long distance for 2. That was very tough.
Thanks for the responses! The lesson is - no matter how much you think someone else might be looking out for you, YOU also have to look out for you. My in-laws brother- and sister-in-law are both family lawyers, went to the same law school and then were competing for the same jobs afterward. I could never do that!
DH had a startup and I was a law student when we met, so we both had flexible schedules and both made a lot of time to see each other, right away. So our fields complement each other - we have one client in common, where he directs the investments and I do the estate planning documents, trust administration, etc. I hope that in the future we can expand that to do more of our work together.
Or get a more stimulating job. Hubby and I also make it a point to do date night every week. I would just say be glad that you have the free time, and try to do fun things in your free time so that you will feel fulfilled and happy.
Lawyer - married to another lawyer here. My husband and I are not competitive with each other. What works for us:. At the end of my billable year when I am hustling and billing time, non-stop, he grocery shops and cleans the house, and vice versa! We are not around each other that much during the week but sending a few lines here and there def. I have been married for 15 years to an MD who works 12 hr shifts, but they can be noon to midnight, 6am to 6pm, 6pm to 6 am, 11pmam, etc.
And often he works two of those shifts on the weekends. I am very ambitious and travel a lot for my career, and also work an hour from my home. We have ALOT of help to keep the day-to-day household stuff going. That has been one major concession to avoid spending our together time doing the mundane things.
Housekeeper who does the laundry, nanny, gardener, pool guy, handyman. But it is tough. We are both extremely independent people, which helps. We can carry on alone as needed. Do you EVER get to see them? We separately parent often-I do most of the weekends, and he does some week days.
There are sacrifices made in all lives. I said we had ALOT of help! Your follow-up post here makes things seem a lot more reasonable.
Kudos to you for making it work for your family!!! At various times as a kid, I was watched over by a nanny, an assortment of mostly wonderful babysitters, preschool teachers, friendly neighbors, church ladies, relatives, and, of course, my mother and father.
I really benefited from having to use a hackneyed term a village to raise me - and I think my parents currently going strong on 42 years of marriage did as well. Thank you for posting your comment, cbackson.
Join told dating someone whos really busy excellent idea necessary
I remember finishing a grant just before the midnight deadline when he was 5. He got his little fleece rug, put it on the floor next to my chair, and fell asleep there. You better believe he got some good mama time over the next few! That image is so cute!
My little boy insisted on staying in my study when I was on an evening telcon though he was very sleepy, and I ended the call to find him curled up on the chair. Communications is clearly key and wish I had enough foresight to apply this advice to myself. But when the kids came along, husband turned into a real 50s throwback.
Not so much because he expects me to be a dutiful wife, but because he expects a dutiful mother for his children. A mother certainly cannot travel for work, because how would the children get fed or get up in the mornings? But this means that my perfectionist nature makes my life a living hell - trying to meet the demands of work and home. It sucks. That sucks for you, but is good for them. I absolutely agree with your decision not to move this time.
One other thing-you mention the sucky wages professors get. Set up separate finances. Simplest would be each of you paying for things in your own city. That sticks you with taking care of the kids, but might prepare you for future reality anyway. Good luck to you! And a note to those criticizing prof dad-getting tenure is like making partner. Most academic positions do not lead to tenure. Oh, man. I think trying to make some of your own plans is a good idea.
I think one of the greatest lessons in life is learning when to say when. There are no right or wrong ways to make this work, only the way people can make it work for their family. Kudos to all of us out there who get up every day and try to make it work. Just posted a response that got eaten. Also, it sounds like you realize this, but in case it helps to hear it from a third party - his expectations of you are completely unreasonable.
It sounds like he cannot support your family on what he earns, so it is inappropriate for the family to put his career first.