I have spent the past week trying to find an answer to my situation. I would be most grateful if some of you could enlighten me please. I was dating this wowonderful woman who has ADHD for nearly 2 months. Everything was amazing, very intense, loving, caring till the very last day when she suddenly started ignoring me. She totally adored me the same way i adore her. We were making plans for the future even after such a short time. She has a child and an ex boyfriend who is divorcing her at the moment, a lot of financial stress, and some other things that bother her right now.
Reprinted by permission of Specialty Press, Plantation, Florida. All rights reserved. My husband and I both have ADHD and are not getting any treatment for it and things are going surprisingly well.
I had a lot of struggles with my parents, and my husband felt like the first person to ever really understand me. We also have times when we hyper focus on each other. We have bad habits I laughed when it talked about leaving the laundry in the dryer.
At least the house gets cleaned once a week when my mom comes over. When I was growing up, the state of my room was a constant battle, now i feel like I have to prove that I can keep my house clean without the constant nagging.
I read this article hoping there would be more tips for when both partners and kids have ADHD. It can be a bit chaotic sometimes. Happy chaos. Lucky for you that you married someone like yourself.
Be happy. I did no realize what add was until I had been married awhilenow with an add son. I am lonely and fed up. Second marriage, second divorce. I really see no punt in relationships with someone like this. I do understand. Its still very frustrating most of the time but it requires contstant work. Hopefully in time we can find ourselves in a good spot. If you have patience to invest itll all work out. The ADHD parter should seek treatment and maybe you guys could get some therapy togetherI hope you find peace.
Great article. Giving truth to the old saying, knowledge is power, we have radically changed our dynamic. The past 2 years are so much better. It is tempting to mourn over past losses but we are instead focusing on enjoying what we finally found.
This author writes with such clarity that I will be recommending her work to others. Thank you, Melissa Orlov. As a woman with adhd I found it bothersome to read this article always assuming men had the problem. I actually scrolled down to the comment section for the sole purpose of making the same request.
I have a difficult time getting through some of these articles as it is already. Working memory is one of my major issues. I truly hope that the author reads these comments. Are you kidding? There are people that have real issues because they are on the verge of losing a family they dearly love because of their AHD and all you have to contribute is gender pronouns? I would kindly ask you to take your feminist propaganda elsewhere.
This is a support community and not a centre for your propaganda. Repeatedly referring to the male as the one with ADHD made this article extremely difficult to read and relate to. Why do you need to attack people for their comments and opinions? I noticed the pronoun issues too, but I quickly realized it was just errors in the writing. It took me about a nanosecond after the third instance to figure that out - so I replaced any pronoun with something generic on my own on the fly.
Not everything gender issue has an agenda or is meant to trick or confuse.
Melissa covers this somewhat in her books. There is a gender component that makes non-attentive ADD in women a separate category. In short, changing the pronouns in the first paragraphs is therefore, not accurate.
Also when both have ADHD. However, Melissa talks partially from her experience, which I respect. I was getting positive feedback from this article until I got to the feminist comments and then it became very negative. I felt enlightened to know that my problems occurred from different perspectives and not have to guess if it was the woman or the man for each of the circumstances. You have distracted me from the point of this article. And now I must all over again.
The non-ADD person will eventually feel so very miserable, trapped and completely ignored by the ADD person that they will eventually be constantly trying to figure out how to abandon the marriage at an older age when things get even more amazingly difficult to change.
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Not at all. In fact, they have really, really good intentions and it is oddly charming. They will spend and spend and spend based on the whimsey of the moment and when all Hell breaks loose and life surprises the relationship with an emergency or crisis, they will point at the non-ADD person and blame them, or their boss, or the world or their friends.
Misunderstood ADHD Symptoms in Relationships
With age, the ADD person will become an even more reclusive shut-in who doubts their own abilities due to the constant criticism of others and the world at large. They will lock themselves in a house or room and only go out for brief periods when absolutely necessary. This is absolutely no way for a non-ADD person to live and they should never have to. I have to agree with this. I married a man with ADHD.
It was not the first marriage for either of us and I didnt get to know him well enough before marrying him. Our 12 years of marriage have been a disaster and the biggest problem has been he cant hold a job. I come home from a long days work and find him sitting in front of the tv, nothing done around the house to help out at all. We have had constant financial problems because of his reckless spending and inability to keep a job.
In 12 years he had over 50 different jobs and the longest was for a little less than a year. Its a mess and I dont know how to fix it other than to leave the marriage.
He admits he has ADHD but says it no longer affects him. He has a very bad temper and is offensive and rude, not just to me but to everyone. But yet he has no patience with people therefore making a scene and causing an embarrassment everywhere we go. Thank you! I am so tired of reading about all the things that I need to do to support my husband because he has ADD. What about what HE needs to do? I understand that he has limitations.
He has totaled two cars, put us near bankruptcy twice, withdrawn all the money from my life insurance policies, and lost his job. And article after article here talks about how I need to be more patient and understanding and not nag him.
I am worried my nephew with ADHD will never be able to have a life companion. I hear your frustration and maybe your spouse is a jerk who happens to have ADHD. While I grew up my mother was a major nag and she nagged her husband right out the door.
She had certain beliefs about how her life should be and when things fell short she was indignant. It is hard to feel loved on the other end of that.
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As you go through your day imagine how life really would be if your spouse no longer was there. You would be doing all the housework you currently do and probably more - do you mow the lawn now? You probably will when he is gone. You would be doing all the childcare and worried about whether to take a second job to make ends meet.
YOur children will be living in a world of emotional chaos and hurt missing their dad. You will need more support from family and others. If he loves you, things can be better between the two of you. However if you are the point of resentment it will be very hard to get there. You might look into attending a spousal support group for family members of people with ADHD and look for ideas to try.
I need to caution you though, how you approach the problems going forward will be a large factor in your success. You sound like you want a do over. If he is sadistic person that is something else-but if he is a loving person with ADHD, there is hope.
I really have to say that the focus in these articles for couples with ADHD in the relationship are not that helpful. I understand that you are trying to help and I appreciate it, but the reality is that ADHD creates chaos and chaos in the most fundamental places of the relationship. I live under the poverty line, even though I have a University degree, because I refuse to allow my ADHD partner to do nothing in the relationship.
I decided that I was not going to continue to watch my spouse sit on the couch while I did everything anymore. I told them that I was going to stop working and that from now on it would be up to them to earn the money for our family. They take pride in that fact and I am proud of them too. It was a huge leap of faith on my part to do that, but I knew that I had to stop doing everything and that they would never do any of the other things well enough to let them take those things on, so I gave them the job of being the provider and the pressure of not having any money I cut up all the credit cards and they had already ruined their credit rating so they had no choice but to earn some money was finally enough to get them to get employment.
It nearly cost us the marriage, but it was worth it. I continue to do absolutely everything else alone. It is hard! ADHD is a disability. If you marry someone with it, think of it like marrying a blind person. There will be things that they simply will not be able to do - just as a blind person will simply not be able to drive a car.
Those individual things may vary from person to person becausd ADHD is quite personal in its effect, but they will be there!
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If you decide that you can handle life with a disabled partner, then carry on. My kids know it. I hope that those with ADHD in their relationships who choose to stay, find as much help as they can and find a way to make peace with the things that will never be helped. I believe in a life after death, and I hold onto the hope for better times for my spouse when they no longer are saddled with ADHD.
You are saying that nobody should want a relationship with me, my son, or my daughter because we have ADHD?!! Go figure!! He probably has ADHD also, but stubbornly refuses to seek treatment or implement strategies to help with his symptoms. Therefore, it has to be enough. As the person in my marriage with adhd, I actually kind of agree with this post.
Although the way it has been written is a bit hateful and hurtful, I would say there is probably some resent built up there. Me and my wife struggle, and we try our best to accept and understand each other. But from a guy with adhd there are definitely a few things I feel need to be highlighted for a non adhd partner and a few things that need to be accepted. As a couple it is important that you are able to meet in the middle with expectations and work together.
If you expect the adhd partner to change only, you are fighting a losing battle.
Sep 11, I cannot tell you if you were the victim of 'hyperfocus dating' or not. It's not because I don't want to tell you a difficult, hard, or unfortunate truth, either. There's not a single way that you, I, or anyone else in this world but her, could tell. Only she could try to . If you have ADHD, you might find it hard to date and to make friends. That's partly because good relationships require you to be aware of other people's thoughts and feelings. But ADHD can make it. Relationships and Hyperfocus In a relationship, hyperfocus may show up early on without even needing an invitation. ADHD specialist Melissa Orlov describes how .
Because your adhd partner has lived with thier condition all thier life so to them, they are the neurotypical one in a sense. It was undiagnosed for the first It grates on me to read articles to tell me how to behave. Any article that focuses as much more on the non-ADD spouse just gets my ire. I can understand how hard that is for you both. I see it everyday, I see my wife struggle with it all the time and it is hard. You both have to meet in the middle with things like nagging and praise.
The best way to get your frustration out to us is calmly and constructively, not necessarily praise. Almost constructive nagging if you like. We expect you to get frustrated with us more than others. OK so your adhd partner finally did that job he said he would do 6 months ago and you are annoyed that it took them so long.
If you praise the good behaviour, the the adhd partner feels good about doing it and will do it again, better!! Unfortunately, we have a less developed brain than neurotypical in the working memory region.
Go on a date together where you can talk about rebuilding your relationship one step at a time. Find things to laugh about and celebrate about your relationship. Intense concentration, also known as hyperfocus, can be a sign of ADHD. Learn more about what hyperfocus is, its link to ADHD, and tips to manage it. Sep 29, Areas that are often most difficult for individuals with ADD tend to center around deficits in self-control-distractibility and inattention within the relationship that may be perceived by a partner as uncaring, problems in regulating emotions and inhibiting behaviors that may lead to hurt .
So what this basically means is, an adhd executive functioning age will completely stop when it reaches around 18 years old. So to put that into context, someone with adhd will think like an 18 years old for the rest of thier lives.
So there has to be understanding from both sides, there has to be changes from both sides. I believe the article is quite tailored for both partners in this case as I can ralate to the whole article from both mine and my non adhd wifes point of view.
I am aware that everything in this article is exactly how she feels being with me.
But understanding that it has to be a chance from both sides equally is the most important thing in my eyes. If either one of you is expecting a change only from the other partner, the relationship will always be toxic.
I just wanted to give some constructive points from the adhd perspective. Hello, I am a 35 years old and I have been married 3 times now and I just started receiving treatment this past year along with both of my children.
I have been reading these comments in hopes of seeing how others feel about us. We are just as miserable as we make others. The rest comes with what Jesus taught us to forgive. And we want to get the Hell away from you. We merely wish you AWAY.
We can love you for what you are just as easily as leave you for what you are. It is totally yours.
Like the person above indicates, we should completely avoid run. But how to recognize the problem early in the relationship?
You are parent-dependent. You live with your Mommy and Daddy. You never have any money saved. You change your mind by the hour.
You shop and shop and shop and shop. Your checking account is perpetually overdrawn. Pay back a debt? Never heard of that. Interrupt someone every three words?
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The list goes on and on. We all want a shared relationship. We all want a loving, equal-contribution relationship. We all want to enjoy our time together, because life is short.
Congratulations for making a series of comments so outrageous that I just had to register and reply. You make it sound like people with ADHD are incapable of love in the sense you deserve.
I get that. So then what is a person with ADHD supposed to do? Are you suggesting to avoid romantic relationships at all cost?
Do they seek treatment in order to better themselves or will that still not be enough. So now, share what you consider to be the ideal state for the person with ADHD. Amazing how many hateful, unhappy people come here to post nasty comments and vent. You chose of your own free will to have a relationship with someone who has ADHD.
When someone is in hyperfocus mode they become so immersed in the task that they are oblivious to everything else going on around them. You may notice this when a child with ADHD is playing a video game and you try to get his attention.
You call him, but you get no answer. You try calling louder, but you still get no answer. Finally, you try raising your voice to a shout, and you still get no answer. Luckily, this woman was able to get out of the house safely.
Her paper was probably extraordinarily well written, as well! Unfortunately, if it is not managed properly, hyperfocus can cause many problems.
Some people escape into their own worlds, neglecting those around them and ignoring important tasks that need to get done. If this occurs, school and work performance suffers, and relationships become strained.
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For example:. Give these tips a try to take advantage of hyperfocus. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life.