The last time we took a personality test together our data analyst winced. Oh, my, indeed. I should know. For better and worse than twenty years, my beloved and I have shared zip codes and domiciles, but very little else, because, as fate would have it, I fell for a card-carrying ISTJ. The only thing our letters have in common is the alphabet. We do find our counterparts intriguing, and intrigue often gives way to love. But, after the new wears off and the rush of romance has faded, you may find those differences annoying, grating or downright frustrating.
Please could we exchange details and perhaps have a conversation about this topic in more detail? It has been a roller coaster ride to say the least. I really need your advice offline if possible? We also deal with our strengths lying outside of the traditional gender roles, which basically leaves me with the responsibility for everything, both things that come naturally to me and things that don't, but are traditionally female.
He's grown a lot over the years and now helps quite a bit around the house, but I know that I will probably always have to ask him to help with the dishes, mow the lawn, comfort a crying child, or remember so and so's birthday. I used to resent this quite a bit and still do occasionallybut I'm working on appreciating him for who he is. And, really, isn't that what we all want? I yam what I yam, as Popeye liked to say.
To be appreciated for your strengths is pretty cool. When I figured that out, and started focusing on all my husband brings to the table, my resentments diminished and my respect and admiration grew. As they say, what we feed grows. Thanks for reading and commenting, Ellen. The first 5 were the hardest, and I had to concede to almost everything my mate wanted, but I really loved him very much and I did adjust.
He passed away suddenly over a year ago. I believe we would have continued married for a good long time if he wouldn't have died, we both have the same values. I would like to be happy at the same time as my partner, and share the joy of new experiences.
I am learning to do some of the things he was so good at that I never really tried before. It was a relief not to do the things that didn't come naturally, but now I feel like I was deprived of some growth opportunities that I am getting now. I would caution anyone that is wondering about these big differences when you are dating that this is the best it will ever get. You may end up sacrificing yourself and your friends if you do not listen to your gut about the challenges of your relationship.
Thanks for such a candid and authentic post, Arianna. And, please accept my condolences for your loss. You made a couple of powerful points. That opposites can cohabit happily but it takes adjustment. I felt I made all concessions too - socially most of all. I'm sure were you to ask him he'd say he did all the conceding.
The diva and the hermit crab - an odd combo. While it's been challenging, I am so glad we made it through those adjustments because we have gotten to see and explore both sides of the psychological planet which has enriched both our lives. You brought me up short with your last paragraph. I would hate ours to be cautionary tales.
That said, it is a good reminder to anyone still in the dating game - we are what we are. Or, as someone very wise said: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I always hate it when people make comments like "your married? Hi, Guest - we heard that for years.
Not so much anymore. I think we've evolved. Before we were like discordant notes that stood out, the contrasts evident. Now, we're more harmonious. Our psychological voices blend. Thanks for reading and commenting. I greatly enjoyed reading this post. We've been happily married for two years and together for five. While my husband and I have secondary personality traits that differ very much from each other, we have very similar fundamental values and beliefs, such as religion, politics, gender roles and parenting style.
I tend to be more rational and practical, in a sense that I like to dissect a problem into manageable pieces and analyze the best options before I tackle it, while he trusts his gut feeling. We balance each very well in that ct because though I'm Judging and he's Perceiving, we help each other understand and accept other ways of thinking, through the love and respect we share, which in turn also helps me be more accepting of other people's views and opinions.
I would have to say though, communication and mutual respect are definitely the major key factors that contribute to our successful relationship. We both think respect for each is sacred and once you lose it there's no turning back, so we're both thoughtful of our words even when we're disagreeing.
I am so glad I found your post. The only other article I found said they ended up divorced and she was happy about it.
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So, thank you so much for posting this more positive side to opposites marrying. We have been together almost 16 years and I think we are at our absolute worst. It seems the more I concede the less he does.
I feel like he resents me on a deep level and criticism is constant. One of us is always defending ourselves.
I'm honestly so exhausted and worn out that I don't even care sometimes what happens with it. But, I know I should care more. We have 2 kids under 6 years old. We married very young. I sometimes have no idea what we were thinking and feel like I am serving a life sentence.
Oh, to have someone just automatically and intuitively understand me! What is that even like? I will probably never know! I hope it gets better for us - I suggested counseling so hoping it helps take the edge off! I also hope we can forgive each other because I know I feel extremely unloved and under valued and am a shell of my former self.
I used to laugh and have fun and now I just sit in my house and hope I don't see anyone. It's just weird!
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We are moving soon to be close to family and I really hope that helps me get back to my old self. Anyway, after another bad fight that lasted all day, I found your article comforting. When my wife and I took our premarital counselling, the first thing the priest did was to give us the Myers-Briggs. The priest walked into the room and said, "I'm not telling you not to get married, but you guys are going to have some real challenges.
Years later I attended a workshop that talked about marriage compatibility and Myers-Briggs. With "long term" being defined as more than three years, our types had the least success in staying married long term. Well, it hasn't always been easy-no one promised me it would be-but it has certainly been worth it, and here we are, looking ahead to another 33 years at least!
I thought we were opposites as well but actually if you take Myers Briggs back to the original theory you come at the four letter code through cognitive functions and when you do that the ENFP and ISTJ share all the same cognitive functions they just have them in completely the opposite order.
I think this explains why my husband and I are so different but also we are very similar in our values. We have hanged out in groups and had an official one on one time yesterday. But he hasn't followed up. I asked him the first time. Do I wait? Or try one more time? Hey there! My boyfriend's also an ISTJ.
We've been together for 2 years now. For some reason, he's not quite as cold as a lot of people make ISTJs to be. He loves going out as long as it's a small group of friends or going to a local bar where he really respects the bartender's opinions and admires his craft.
It's just completely sweet the way he melts and gets all maternal whenever he's got a kitten in his hands.
However, I sometimes can't stand the way he can't tell me how he's feeling. He can show me and he shows it very well, but it's hard to understand from a gesture if someone loves you or they just care a lot about you. When I tried asking, he just said, "You bring fun and spontaneity into my life. Still haven't heard the words, but I can definitely tell I'm not just another girl to him.
What about you? Did it take a long time for him to say he loves you?
Did you feel like you somehow knew he loved you and you were just waiting for him to figure it out? It literally makes my day!!! He's more chess, card games that require strategy, video games, t.
I'm video games, t. So marathoning is a given already. I know movie dates, but that's tricky cause all of our friends are introverts so they are automatically tagging along But as an E, I feel like I'm kind of failing to spice things up. So I'm trying? This article is great! We are currently in our 7 year itch.
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Reading this describes so many things that we face and it's great to see that it can work. With a little hard work and acceptance. We are lucky in that we both have patience for each other and we both try to come from a place of understanding. I appreciate so much, our differences, because it means that all cts of a certain situation will be covered. For instance in your road trip example, that is very much how we are, all the bases covered. How to get there and what we're eating.
It's so nice to see that this really can work. I agree it can be very frustrating sometimes but that's when you have to look at it with appreciation and acceptance for the other person's view.
Thank you for sharing!
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Whoops, enfp fee! Looks like I failed to respond to your awesome comment. Forgive me! This time 2 years ago my husband was hospitalized for 66 days!! That absolutely put our differences into perspective! Thank YOU for pointing out that patience, appreciation and acceptance go a long way.
7 Weaknesses of the ISTJ Personality
May I be add, those 3 will be superheroes in ANY relationship regardless of personalities. I loved reading this article, this is a lot like me and my husband, we got married about 7 months ago and will be together for 4 years, I'm 25 and he's I feel like I've learned a lot about him and about myself so far and he's definitely my best friend in a lot of ways, I love his practical side, because it doesnt hurt researching the best product for the best price while on my end I make it aesthetically appealing.
I feel like we're the perfect team. He makes everything seem so stable. We do fight about little things, but we both try to put things in perspective, if its not detrimental than it doesn't matter. Having a sense of humor in those types of arguments I think is really important. I do believe that there is a lot more that goes into a relationship including the way you were brought up. Both my parents are very practical so being with him gives me that sense of security.
Our relationship has definitely gotten better over time too. Neither of us are the type to give up, we are very family oriented and believe in working out little problems so we can have fun again.
And by fun I dont mean I force him to hang out with me when he needs alone time either, since I used to be an introvert I completely understand. Thank YOU so much for commenting! My greatest advice remains, find then KEEP your sense of humor and keep a running list of your spouse's strengths. Focus always on what you love about him and his your differences make you better individually and as a unit!
You remind me to do the same this day! I really need help on this. Sure we can run a household successfully and accept eachothers differences. We even share the same core values such a religion, politics, famoly, integrity.
My issue is that we have no emotional or intellectual chemistry. We'll organise a date but the conversation is awkward and the connection or lack of feels unnatural.
Even if we talk about a topic we have in common. We dont share the energy and we dont bounce off eachother. It feels wrong that I feel enotionally, socially and intellectually more fufilled with like minded friends than I do with my own husband. Like it should be more comfy! I get it too.
How can ISTJ and ENFP types communicate effectively with each other? Though ISTJs and ENFPs do not share any personality traits, their differences can help them grow and develop into a well-rounded team. ISTJs prefer to spend time alone, focus on details, process logically, and follow a plan, while ENFPs usually draw energy from others, consider hypotheticals, express themselves emotionally, and desire a sense of spontaneity. People with an ISTJ personality type tend to be reserved, orderly, and practical in their behavior. They are self-sufficient and work hard to meet their obligations. They prefer to be alone or in small groups of close friends and may be quiet and reserved in large group settings. I am also an ENFP happily married to an ISTJ. I thought we were opposites as well but actually if you take Myers Briggs back to the original theory you come at the four letter code through cognitive functions and when you do that the ENFP and ISTJ share all the same cognitive functions they just have them in completely the opposite order.
It makes me sad. But I try not to obsess about it unsuccessfully, lately. But I also get delighted when we do connect well. We joined the Chamber and we're actively involved, contributing our separate talents. Recently, we joined a gym and workout three times a week. Here's what I know from more than sixty tours around the sun: chemistry and compatibility don't always come in the same pairings. What seemed to be the over-arching quality that's kept us together?
Respect for one another and profound affection. And what I really like taut he is unreadable for me. I think you feel me.
But in situation with this guy - no. But never, never, never screw you into a storm of emotions - which we so need. And because horoscopes are more popular in Russian web, than psychological layer like typology.
This is a fabulous article and I really wanted to pop in to give my experience as well. I am an ENFP gal married over 10 years!
As an ENFP, we can sometimes feel like we always need to be or should be entertaining people. This can get exhausting, as we are actually the most introverted of the extroverts. My husband never makes me feel this way.
An ISTJ trusting their gut?! It is possible! That I bring joy and colour and vibrantcy to his life. We also tend to share chores according to our individual strengths, and not gender roles. For example, I am trained as a financial advisor and love finanaces go figure! So I handle all of our bills and budget and business operations. Together, we keep the ship afloat and running smoothly.
He, sometimes, is not wired this way. I ask for it. Can you just hold me for a bit? We are definitely a story of opposites attracting. And it can be fun!
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The person was an ENFP (an Extraverted, flexible green), dating an ISTJ (an Introverted, structured gold), and wondering how to make a relationship work between two opposite personality types. I'm a definite ENFP and my husband is a definite ISTJ. Mar 23, The ISTJ vs. the ENFP. 1. I focus on the here and now, while he dreams of the future. As an ISTJ, I spend time thinking about upcoming appointments, weekend plans, and making lists for the grocery store. I find the things that he spends time mulling over too theoretical and impractical, irrelevant to our lives in the here and fatgirlnmotion.com: Katie Lemons. ENFP male dating an ISTJ female. We have been dating for months, recently got engaged. We love and respect each other and recognize we have much to learn from our differences. We have our disagreements every now and then (we can both be stubborn), but I .
Spammers will be fried and served on toast. Just as it is normal to fill a conversational void, it is normal to try to fill a void in presence. Hang back just a little. Give your partner space. Your ISTJ will grow toward you, but it will be at a slower pace than you want. Show this person you are independent and can get along just fine without him or her, but still appreciate and enjoy their company. No jealousy plays, no silent treatment, no games. Just live your own life with your own friends and taking care of your own responsibilities.
ISTJ types appreciate confident partners who have it all together and can stand on their own two feet. When you talk about your life and she gives wise counsel, voice your appreciation of her objective, reasonable, time-tested advice as something you never would have thought of yourself.
When he helps you work through a problem, tell him that you appreciate him partnering with you because his input helps you built to a more complete solution. Tell her that your differences really complement one another because they do! I hope some of these suggestions help. I met my hubby at a time when he was going through some major life changes - a move to a completely new city on the other side of the US without any family or friends to support him. Though we connected like lightning right off the bat, it took lots of patience and maturity on my end for months before he was truly committed.
Your mileage will vary.
The trick is to give this person the room to grow in affection for you. Be a touch less eager, a tad less available, a sliver more involved in your own life than you normally are. Give him a chance to grow toward you by moving away just a little.
Have you dated someone who is your personality type opposite? What was your experience like? Share your story in the comments! Skip links Skip to primary navigation Skip to content.